Hey everyone I hope this post finds you well at the end of babyloss awareness week. I will be lighting two candles at 7pm for Bean and Passenger as part of the Wave of Light event.
My week started off in a low mood, a pregnant colleague ran a local half marathon last weekend - she is 16 weeks. She claimed her time was very slow but still managed to complete it in my best ever half marathon time. It annoyed me, she was able to be pregnant and stay active. Whereas I have been banned by my husband and my mum. There's no medical reasoning behind it. Just because. I didn't run when I had Bean, I was way too exhausted but I did continue with Passenger. Surely that shows that no matter whether you continue to exercise the way you did before or decide to stop. It doesn't have any real impact on the outcome of the pregnancy.
I guess I'm just frustrated and jealous. My colleague has never suffered babyloss directly. She has never suffered secondary infertility, she fell pregnant and it was a surprise to her and her husband. I feel like she just doesn't have the same concern as I do, and that's ok but it's still frustrating to me.
I have tried to get back into crosstraining and yoga but they just don't give me the same pleasure and mind cleansing as running did. I'm trying to use this frustration as a tool for post-partum, a way of giving myself motivation to get back to where I was in terms of running.
Don't get me wrong I'd give up everything for this pregnancy, I would never intentionally put it at risk. It just frustrates me that others can sail through with no worries.
But that is the price of pregnancy after loss. The constant fear lurking in the back of your mind. Almost stifling every joyous moment so as not to jinx it. Not daring to say certain things like names out loud in case this precious life is ripped from you again. My husband even didn't like us receiving any gifts before our 20 week scan in case something was jinxed.
I wish we didn't have these demons but they will be with us forever. And I'm starting to understand that most other people - no matter how close to us will not understand us feeling this way. The sooner I accept this misunderstanding from others who haven't experienced loss the better.
Luckily my mood lifted later in the week and I stopped sulking and I got back to appreciating that every pregnancy is different. I feel my bump has grown a lot this week, my skin feels tight and I'm starting to struggle to put on socks and shoes. I sent a bump pic to my mum and she said that I'd grown a lot.
I asked if she had any bump pics from when she was pregnant but she couldn't find any. It made me realise how easy it is now to document and record everything. She of course had pictures taken hours after giving birth and beyond, she was so slim after giving birth to my older brother! I wonder if I will take after her.
Earlier in the week I was feeling down but now I am rejoicing in the sheer elation and dreamy happiness pregnancy after loss brings. Words do not explain how I feel about getting this far in a pregnancy. It's obvious that any mother and father have unconditional love for their child, but Angel Mamas and Papas feel something more. They feel grateful and utterly in a state of dream-like shock even through the horrible of painful symptoms. I have never heard an Angel-Mama complain about morning sickness!
I was trying to explain to my sister-in-law how happy I was to be pregnant and she said it shows, and it will continue to show for the rest of my life. Bean and Passenger have made me the person I am today. It is solidified by Rob becoming increasingly vocal about our baby girl. He says "I love you both" instead of just "I love you" and it makes me melt inside. It gives me confidence when he feels confident enough to say things like that. I know now that he has started to relax and he is starting to believe The Pie will be our take-home baby.
At the weekend we started looking at travel systems. Admittedly we only went to one shop but the girl in there was extremely knowledgable. It's pretty mind boggling looking at them all! The research is definitely not over! I'm looking forward to seeing proper 3in1 travel systems as there wasn't any available in John Lewis.
We liked the iCandy Orange - really light steering, lots of storage space and folded up really small. I also liked the Bugaboo Cameleon which looked really nice and had lots of alternative travelling options. The problem with both, however, was value for money. Car seats are not included in either system and the Bugaboo is almost a thousand pounds! So I am looking forward to seeing other systems.
We also hit another exciting milestone last night, we saw Baby Girl kicking! It was truly amazing to see her bopping about in my belly. Some of the kicks I was able to feel under my palm as well which was magical. Rob managed to see a couple of movements as well and I was so pleased we could share that experience together. It is so reassuring that she is getting stronger with each passing week and the movements also mean her brain and nervous system are developing normally. Yesterday was such a fantastic day, I enjoyed ever minute of it. Although walking around town for 6 hours in heels was a mistake I will never make again!
Last night I had a weird dream where our little girl was struggling to breast feed. She was so tiny and I was trying to give her what she needed. I have a bit of a fear that I won't be able to breast feed. I have one inverted nipple and my other nipple is flat no matter my mood or the weather. I keep telling myself that it's not the be all and end all and as long as our baby is fed and that's all that matters but there is so much pressure on mothers and the slogan "Breast is Best" is always at the back of my mind. If I cannot breast feed I would love to be able to pump and I'm just hoping that Baby Girl will take to whatever I can give her.
Anyway, back to the dream. She was finding the nipple with no problems but nothing else seemed to happen. Then strangely enough she turns her little face towards me and speaks to me saying I need to angle my nipple for the let down reflex. It was pretty weird. I had a dream about a month ago where she talked to me like a teenager and we didn't know the gender at that point.
At another point in this second dream she projectile vomited all over me and a nearby window. Not that unusual but it turned out that a load of kids had been feeding my newborn white bread! Like, what the hell is going on in my mind?!
The joy of pregnancy dreams!
The last bit of news I need to share from the week is that I've been selected for interview for a job in my current department. It's a fairly similar job to what I do now as it's still in the lab but there is a significant pay rise involved. I'm grateful I have been given the opportunity to give it a shot but I do not expect to have it offered to me. If I wasn't pregnant I would be more confident as I am sure I could do the job very well. But with me leaving in February for a year and three other internal candidates competing for the role I feel my chances are slim. However, I will not go into the interview with a defeatist attitude! I will give it my all and show that I am still very much committed to the department. I will let you know next week hopefully.
So that has been my week, it's had its little low at the start but has ended on such a huge high from seeing our little girl kick. Such a wonderful experience.
Stay strong Angel Mamas and Papas xx
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