Our 20 week scan

Hey all! I'm sorry I've been a little quiet again, I'll be honest, I've found it hard to transition to a more diary-like blog rather than talking about the past. I have to keep telling myself that living in the now does not mean that Bean and Passenger are forgotten. Or that it means their stories are finished.

As we've moved into the month of October and Baby-Loss Awareness Week starting tomorrow, I've been naturally thinking more and more about Bean and Passenger. Particularly how Rob managed to help me through those horribly dark times. I still don't know where he found the strength to live two lives for us and grieve himself. A part of me still cannot accept that we have suffered two losses, I guess that could be the case for the rest of my life.

While part of my week has been remembering and grieving, the other part was full of joy and excitement (as well as fear and anxiety). Our 20 week scan was on Monday and again one half of my brain prepared myself for a horrendous fall, after all it is the anomaly scan, they are looking for abnormalities, they are looking for anything that is wrong. I took deep breaths as we waited outside the scanning rooms. A little later than scheduled a lady opened a door and indicated she would be a few minutes then she would call us in, it was none other than the young sonographer that had misdiagnosed Passenger's anencephaly at 10+5weeks. My heart raced, what if she missed something again? She looked too young to be experienced enough. My faith was slipping away. Even the optimistic side of my brain which had been excited started to fade away. 

Rob looked at me and said he'd recognised her, he saw the fear in my eyes. But again as he always does he brought me back to the moment. He said we would ask as many questions as we could think of. We wouldn't leave until we were satisfied and knew everything. We were beckoned inside.

I stood, sucking in another long, deep breath.

Moving into that room felt a little like slow motion, I almost floated along the ground. I made it to the bed and she put the ultrasound device onto my belly. We were greeted by our baby on the screen, I was able to let out a little sigh of relief. 

She proceeded to move along the baby's body, we managed to see it face on, the lips and nose were an utter joy to behold. Perfectly formed. The eye sockets, brain, spine again all beautiful. The heart, I held my breath again. Baby decided to wriggle a lot at this point so the sonographer couldn't study it properly, I hoped and hoped that the baby would stay still just for a minute so she could do her job. I was worried she would assume everything would be ok and move onto the next part of the scan. Luckily it calmed down so she could look at the chambers of the heart, all working well together. Then she looked at the blood flow and said everything was completely fine. My anxiety slipped away into a smaller and smaller ball to the back of my mind. 

Then the question, are we interested in the sex? Yes please! My confidence continued to slowly and surely rise, my heart thumped at the prospect of finding out whether I had a little girl or little boy growing inside me. I'd always had a girl feeling with this pregnancy since the 12 week scan, I felt the baby just had a girly face. But recently I had been getting boy vibes too! Of course we had no preference, a healthy baby is all we have ever wanted but it was always nice to know for future planning.

She positioned the picture of the baby to an under the bottom view, and I thought to myself it is a boy! She proceeded to tell us that the part which I thought was a willy was in fact, a leg. I'm so glad I didn't humiliate myself by blurting that out! She then pointed to where the genitals were and came to the conclusion that she could not see a willy or testes and therefore, we were carrying a girl.

My heart danced, just being told something by a professional made everything even more real. We don't know what sex Bean and Passenger were but being told that our Pie was a girl was massive. I went into a dream-like state as she moved down to the kegs and the feet and managed to capture a gorgeous footprint on the screen for us to take home. I fell in love with that footprint.

She continued down to check the placenta and my cervix and that's when things started to become pear-shaped. The sonographer was silent for a few moments and took a few pictures. The silence snapped me back into the fact this was an anomaly scan, they were looking for things that were wrong. Something was wrong.

We were told that my cervix looked "odd" and she wanted a second opinion from a colleague. She showed us the picture, where a smooth cervix muscle should have been mine was very much contorted and lumpy. It's very hard to describe my feelings at that point, I had just been told I was carrying a little girl and she was perfectly healthy only to be thrown back down to earth with this news a minute or so later. I was caught between elation and panic. 

She left the room to consult her colleague. I couldn't help but feel it was Passenger's dating scan all over again, the oddity followed by the second opinion, ending with devastation and pain. I turned to Rob, I can only remember him saying that we will continue to ask questions until we understand the situation. 

A short time later the lady returned, she suggested I go for a walk for a little while and come back to see if anything had changed. Before we left I mentioned I had been occasionally feeling pain on my left side during urination so she asked me to produce a sample for the nurse to test for signs of infection. I gave her the bottle to pass on and left to have a walk. 

As we strolled along I became like Jekyll and Hyde, one minute I was over the moon with carrying a girl and the next I would be in a panic as to what me odd cervix meant. Rob had asked a few more questions while I was producing the urine sample, the sonographer had assured him that the baby was well and healthy. And my cervix might have been in the middle of a contraction while the scan was taking place. A walk and a wee might help it to relax and go into its natural position again.

During my moments of anxious panic my mind went back to when I was spotting at the beginning of the pregnancy, the EPU had suggested I get my cervix checked by my GP. But when I went to see the GP she had refused to examine me as I was already pregnant and she didn't want to take the risk. My blood boiled, what if my odd cervix could have been seen earlier? What if that GP who refused care to a patient had missed a diagnosis? But then again why had nothing been seen on our 12 or 16 week scans? My head whizzed around with these questions.

We found ourselves back in the waiting room 15 minutes or so later and were ushered back in quickly. I assumed the position on the bed and she checked again, there is was, a smooth cervix in a normal position. It had been contracting while the previous scan was taking place. No need to panic.

Looking back now, of course it's no harm done and I'm so glad the sonographer didn't let us go home without investigating further. But really?! Why can't things be simple for once!? All I can do is carry on feeling amazed and lucky we are carrying a gorgeous baby girl. Today I have felt the strongest and most frequent kicks so far and I get so excited after every single one. We are getting used to saying "she" instead of "it" and we have settled on a name which we both absolutely love. 

Stay strong Angel Mamas and Papas xxx