Recovery

Hey everybody! I hope the last week has been kind to you. We got our Downs, Edwards and Pataus screening results through for The Pie and we are very pleased to know that all of the tests came back as low risk. The relief that surged through my body was amazing as I read the letter. It gave me the confidence to announce our pregnancy at my work and again this was a huge relief to get it out there. I've found myself talking more about Bean and Passenger to girls at work who didn't know what had happened. I think it's been hard for people to realise what I have been through as they've only seen a bubbly work colleague. It just shows that you have no real idea what others are dealing with and going through, this is the reason why we won't be doing a Facebook announcement, the amount I have seen while in the stinging throes of grief is too much to bear and I do not want to be the cause of any upset for others.

On Thursday I went to see a consultant about our scan, we were recommended to see him because of our history of anencephaly. First of all we were late for the appointment so I was already stressed out. Rob ended up waiting in the drop off parking area and I ran into the waiting room. I'd forgotten a wee sample as well but luckily I had time to produce one before I was called in. The consultant was lovely, he assured me that the scan looked great for our Pie and kept telling me to be positive. I thought I was being a lot more positive than I had been a week ago so I don't know what he would have done if he'd seen me back then. I asked whether I should continue taking my prescription 5mg folic acid and he advised that I take it throughout the whole of the pregnancy. I then broached the subject of an extra scan at 16 weeks, our genetic counsellor suggested an extra scan at 9-11 weeks and one more at 16 weeks. The consultant said he was happy that anencephaly was not evident from the 12 week scan so we didn't actually NEED a 16 weeks scan. I said I was happy if he was happy then surprisingly he stopped me and said that it didn't matter whether he was happy it mattered that I was happy, he asked me honestly would we like another scan and I said it would be nice for peace of mind. He agreed straight away and even offered to scan me himself. I left the appointment relieved again that I was listened to. It must be very evident that I am a very anxious mum-to-be, and understandably so.

We are now coming to the end of Passengers story, it's quite fitting that her due date will have been 23rd August, this Wednesday coming. It hard not to think what could or should have been but it does make it easier knowing we have a healthy baby growing inside me right now. It also helps to know she is always nearby buried under her apple tree in our garden. I was discussing with Rob what will happen to this blog once Passenger's story concludes, the natural progression will be for it to move onto Bean and Passenger's sibling's story and journey.

My last post covered my surgery to remove Passenger, now I needed to recover again. I had learned a lot since the last time I'd had surgery and I wasn't willing to force myself to do anything that didn't feel right. I immediately took 2 weeks sick leave from work and it's a very good job I did, I bled much more this time round as it was surgery to remove a full pregnancy rather than just the thickened endometrial lining and gestational sac. I expected there to be more blood so it wasn't so much of a surprise to see the pinky red fluid in the toilet every time I went to the loo. The real surprise was the pain, getting up from seated to standing was a struggle and also twisting to get the loo roll was especially painful. I ended up using the codein tablets from my surgery with Bean to ease it which then caused unbelievable constipation!

After the weekend trying to relax and refusing to go back down depression road I marched (in my head, in reality I hobbled) to the doctors surgery and immediately got prescribed 5mg folic acid. We wanted to try again as soon as we could. I was worried my cycles would never return to any sort of normality but taking some sort of step towards controlling my own destiny helped my mental wellbeing.

The rest of the two weeks involved healing, Catfish:The TV Show bingeing, pain, codein, constipation relief, anger and determination. The difference in my mental state was amazing compared to our first loss. I felt like The loss of Passenger was a continuation of our loss of Bean. It is difficult to explain and although our loss of Passenger was still extremely painful in its own way I guess I was hardened by the loss of Bean so perhaps I could take on the pain, guilt and grief better than I had done before. But that doesn't mean it was any less traumatic or upsetting. Rob found the loss of Passenger much harder to bear and ill cover that in another post.

I felt giving myself those two weeks to recover myself as best I could were extremely valuable. I wasn't going to make the same mistake by rushing back into work when my mind or body wasn't ready and that's the best decision I've ever made during this terrible time. Whenever I have talked to women who have just been through miscarriage that is the one piece of advice I always try to give them. Give yourself time to heal, work can wait, you come first and you have to look after yourself.

Stay strong Angel Mamas and Papas xxx

Surgery, again

Hey everyone! I'm sorry for not writing last week, I was getting so worked up about having our dating scan that I couldn't delve back to the painful time after we were told about Passenger's anencephaly. However, I feel stronger now and I owe it to Passenger to tell the rest of her story.

We were given the news that Passenger was 'not compatible with life' on the Wednesday, I was then booked in for surgery on the Friday. Naturally I called into work and explained the situation between sobs, they were understanding on a work point of view but really didn't understand the pain and grief that had hit me. 

The next two days drifted by, I was mostly in a state of shock and silent rage. I felt so many other emotions compared to when we lost Bean. I felt enormous guilt, Passenger had a heartbeat, she was wriggling around, she was truly alive. Bean had never had a heartbeat and he was alive but in a slightly different way. Bean was taken away from us, but we were in charge of Passenger's fate to a certain extent. That put a huge strain on myself, was I doing the right thing? We were told we HAD to terminate, I was under the impression I would become ill if we didn't terminate. But then anencephaly is incurable. If she survived the rest of the pregnancy, she wouldn't survive more than a day or two after birth. In a way her fate was already sealed.

Friday dawned, I packed my dressing gown and slippers, had the smallest breakfast known to man and a small cup of water. Once again I was taken into the ward where other heartbroken mothers go, once again I was on my own and I waited to see my consultant. When she eventually came over she ended up sitting on her haunches against the wall as I had so many other questions I needed to ask before going under the anaesthetic. Was there anything I could have done differently to prevent this from happening? I had eaten soft cheese at Christmas without thinking, could that have caused this to happen? Apparently not, no one was to know that this would happen, the neural tube is meant to close within the first four weeks after conception so no matter what I did after this point wouldn't have made a difference. Another huge weight on my mind was whether Passenger could feel pain, this was probably the biggest question and could have convinced me to reconsider surgery. She assured me that babies with anencephaly could not feel pain as they d not developed that part of the brain. That information set me at ease a tiny bit, it's obvious that the last thing I would ever want to do would be to hurt my baby. Will I be scanned after the surgery to ensure all of the pregnancy had been removed? Answer yes although not all surgeons do scan the mother after surgery (while still asleep). Will I bleed more this time round? Possibly, I was further on in pregnancy this time around and had not been through the medical management so I was preparing myself to have terrible bleeding afterwards. Will any sample of Passenger be sent to a cytogenetic department for testing? I was surprised to find out that the answer to this was no, it was 'obvious on the scan' that there was anencephaly found. As a scientist I found this hard to take, I wanted to know all the answers as to why my baby wasn't well and couldn't survive. My other questions were more to do with my cycles and how they had been affected so badly after surgery with Bean, I was wanting to try again straight away but was worried I wouldn't have a normal period again for another year. The answer given was pretty wishy-washy, all depends on the woman etc etc.

The most important thing I needed from the consultant was the confirmation that we would be able to bring Passenger's remains home. I had wanted to bring Bean home but surgery only removed my own tissue and I was heartbroken, we had lost him during medical management. I was assured that all of the paperwork expressing my wishes were in order and the consultant moved on.

I waited for the inevitable medical management tablets to arrive. I tried to read and take my mind of things but I found myself staring at patterns on the curtain surrounding me. I remember being pretty cold and extremely tired. I tried to snooze but it was a stupid fruitless effort. 

After the cervix-softening pills were inserted once again along with the antibiotic I was back to waiting again. I must have been keeping in touch with Rob the whole time but I don't remember anything that was texted. A nurse would sometimes pop her head through the curtain and ask how I was, I would reply with 'very tired' and she would try to get me comfortable to get some sleep. But sleep never came. 

I tried to think positive thoughts in a desperate situation, I came to the conclusion that Mother Nature is a perfectionist, and then I would think Mother Nature is a bitch! It was hard to stay sane during those many hours of waiting. I had been in the hospital for over five hours and still hadn't gone into surgery, I was worried and paranoid that the medical management pills were going to start working too early and I would start bleeding and miscarrying before the surgery had started. The thought of seeing a lime-sized baby as I bled was terrifying. The nurse popped her head through the curtain again and told me it wouldn't be long until I would be going in. I told her ok, and again that I was tired when she asked how I was. 

I was called in at around 2.30, I quickly texted Rob, the ward was pretty empty as I was wheeled through to the anaesthetic room. I remember the anaesthetist saying I was very cold and commented on the blueness of my feet. Then I felt the anaesthetic wash over my body from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head and I was gone.

I awoke swaddled in blankets, could barely move! I looked down and my feet were wrapped in yet more blankets. The nurse said that I had been very cold and I had been kept under for a bit longer to give me some proper rest. I immediately thought how wonderful the nurses were at the hospital (I'm welling up thinking about it!), that information was not medical or to do with Passenger but they had taken note of what I had said about being exhausted and stressed. 

I looked at the clock and saw it was on the hour, however I didn't realised what hour is was. I had gone in at 2.30ish but now it was 4o'clock. Surgery would normally take 20 mins but they had kept me asleep for another hour afterwards. Although this was very thoughtful for me, the nurse hadn't told Rob so he was waiting extremely anxiously in the waiting room. I found that crazy to think they had not told my next of kin, it wouldn't have taken a minute to settle his nerves.

After some much needed food and drink I was allowed to leave the ward and I searched for Rob in the crowd of the waiting room. He had bought me a chocolate bar and a lottery ticket while he waited. I can't imagine what was going through his mind as the minutes ticked by for that hour and a half while I was in surgery. Both sides of the family were beside themselves wondering why I hadn't been brought out of surgery within the expected time frame and he would have had to relay any information he had to them. Especially my anxious mum. 

Again we came home from the hospital without our baby and although I was incredibly numb and upset we felt sure that we wanted to ray again as soon as we could. I couldn't go back to the dark place I had been to after Bean died, I wouldn't allow myself to. Bean had made us stronger and Passenger will make us stronger again.

Stay strong Angel Mamas and Papas xxxx