A Few Thoughts From The Last Two Weeks

Apologies for being a little quiet the last couple of weeks! We have been very busy particularly last weekend when it was Rob's Grandma's 80th surprise birthday meal and continuing with work on our house. It's crazy to think we have a real deadline now, we must get the house baby-ready, we are almost half way through this pregnancy and time is slipping away faster and faster with each passing week.

The last fortnight has been a little stressful, a little emotional, but very happy overall. Stressful because of work, I work in an NHS lab and have had to stop doing some of my duties due to some harmful chemicals. I expected to be trained in other procedures that are deemed as safe so I am not a burden but that turns out not to be the case. It's angered me that I've effectively been written off but I don't want to get into too much detail about work on here.

Emotional because the further on we get in this pregnancy the more I miss our angel babies and I wonder what should or could have been. The last few apples from Bean's tree fell this weekend and I went outside to see if they were edible, unfortunately the creepy crawlies had already got to them. I stood there gazing at the memorials of our two babies and their losses hit me all over again, I don't think I will ever be able to process Bean's and Passenger's passing and thinking about it now that completely makes sense in the same way that you would never "get over" any traumatic loss. It's simply too painful and mind-blowing for brains to understand the event and that's what changes you as a person afterwards. It hit me all over again that we had buried Passenger under one of those apple trees, once that box of emotion was opened I fell on my knees by her tree and I bowed my head in grief. I stroked the leaves and stem of the tree to feel close to her. I still cannot believe we had to say goodbye to her. I shed a few tears quietly on my own while I sat in the morning sun by our memorial trees, afterwards it renewed how lucky I feel for being pregnant again. 

Every week is still anxious but I have to remind myself that this is a different baby, a different pregnancy. I know many people who are pregnant, in fact I personally know of 7 babies due within the next 7 months. The difference between me and my pregnant friends is very noticeable, I wish I could be happy-go-lucky like my friend at work, excitement outweighing the nerves completely but my innocence has been totally destroyed. It doesn't mean however, that I'm not enjoying it, I'm enjoying it immensely! But any risk seems to be blown up in my brain where she is much more relaxed. This is why I love my Instagram account, the lovely ladies on there who are pregnant after loss totally understand my fears and concerns no matter how outlandish and I understand theirs as well. If I didn't have that support system I know I would be much more stressed and ringing my midwife every few days!

This post has been a little wishy washy and I'm sorry for that, this really was just putting my thoughts down of how I was feeling rather than telling you about what's been happening. I wanted to get Rob's view on Passenger but haven't had the time so I hope to get that recorded for next weekend. I'm thinking of keeping a little emotions diary just to document the rollercoaster that is pregnancy after loss.

See you soon Angel Mamas and Papas xxx

We Come Full Circle

Hey everyone, I hope this week has been kind to you all. We had a 16 week scan to put our minds at ease, we were particularly keen to have a second opinion regarding our little Pie's head as Passenger's anencephaly wasn't spotted until the second scan. The consultant was over half an hour late and I got myself all worked up an anxious. I ended up feeling so sick and worried about what the consultant would see. Luckily, all went well though, there was no need to worry or get stressed out. The head was fully formed just as it had been on the dating scan and we heard the heartbeat again which was lovely and strong. As my anxiety eased I got cheeky and asked if it was possible to see whether I was carrying a girl or a boy but the consultant dismissed me straight away saying it was too early. Although I had seen on my Instagram other Mamas booking 16 week scans to specifically see the sex we weren't too bothered as the whole purpose of this check up was to make sure the baby's head was how it should be. Afterwards to compared the scan pictures to the dating scan and saw our baby had doubled in size in 4 weeks. We are thrilled! And what is more is that I've been feeling the first flutters and pops of movement increasing throughout this week, sometimes up to 4-5 times a day. It's been so wonderful feeling a baby move for the first time and really represents a huge milestone for me. Now we've had this scan Rob and I both feel more at ease but the consultant did make a comment that me getting stressed or nervous isn't good for me or the baby so I need to work hard to be more positive and less anxious. It's incredibly difficult but these little flutters are reminding me that everything is ok and it's time to enjoy this pregnancy. 

As I mentioned in my previous post, I am very close to coming full circle with my stories, I plan to share Rob's experience then I am most likely to follow my current story with our Rainbow pregnancy. I understand this may be triggering to some people but it will be coming from a person who has been in a position similar to your own. Angel Mamas do not have normal pregnancies, they are full of worry, analysing every symptom, ache and pain and I hope they will stick with me during the next part of my journey.

Following my post-op consultation appointment I saw my counsellor and poured my heart out. I was back staring into the abyss of depression once again, however, this time I wouldn't let it take me. Unlike before, I had some consciousness left in me, most of that presented itself as anger. I was so fucking angry. How could I or anyone else be treated in such a way? I was told no testing would be done until I had lost three babies, I had become a statistic, Bean and Passenger had become mere numbers. I relayed my anger to my counsellor and she gave me a few suggestions I could try. First was to contact my GP just to see if they could refer me and Rob for genetic testing. Second was to read a pamphlet from the charity ARC (Antenatal Results and Choices) and contact them to ask what I could do next after being denied testing. Third was to read scientific papers like I had done throughout both of our losses and contact the scientists involved to see if they could give me some advice. I found this session one of the most important and useful, I needed instruction and guidance and that's exactly what my counsellor offered to me. I left the session determined and with a sense of purpose, I have learned that as long as I have a goal to work towards, my psychological health benefits.

The next day I rang my doctors surgery and requested a phone appointment, later that day I received the call. I had been preparing myself for a rejection and had pumped myself up ready to stand my ground! Amazingly I didn't have to, Dr Patel was so lovely on the phone I cried, he suggested chromosomal testing and referred me and Rob to the genetics counselling department in the hospital where I work. I got off the phone and felt a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, granted it wasn't guaranteed that we would get the testing, it would depend on the genetic counselling appointment but we had managed to jump over one hurdle.

I have covered the results of our genetic testing in a previous post, so that brings me full circle. Next week I'm hoping to bring you Robs point of view of losing Passenger.

Thanks for staying with me Angel Mamas and Papas xxx 

The Consultation Appointment

Hey everyone, apologies for the delay in writing another post, last weekend was pretty busy! Saturday night we went out for a friend's birthday then got up at 3am for the Mayweather/McGregor fight (less said about that the better!). On Sunday we had a big family picnic with the in-laws which was great, even great-grandparents were there to share in the fun. 

The previous week we had off work to do more home improvements and my mum and dad came down to visit, we went to the local beer festival (I was obviously not drinking, but did a lot of sniffing of the beers and ciders!) It was Wednesday 23rd August, Passenger's due date. I think I would have been more upset if we hadn't had anything planned already but it was natural to think of what if situations. In another life I might have been waddling around in the heat, grouchy and tired pleading with her to come out and meet everyone. In another she might have already been born, Rob and I would have been tackling sleepless nights and pooey nappies. I would be battling breast-feeding and asking my mum for advice. In another world Passenger could have been a boy, after all, we never got to find out. It was a very thoughtful day for me and when I saw a tiny rainbow clinging to a cloud as we sat relaxing at the festival I knew Passenger was there, and I smiled up at her and Bean.

We are very much nearing the end of Passenger's initial story, its crazy to think that my posts talking about the past and present have almost caught up with each other. I said in my first post that the story is unfinished and that is still the case, just because Bean and Passenger are not here doesn't mean that their stories have ended. They are always in my heart and I will never stop thinking about what could have been. Certain dates will always weigh heavily on me and Rob but we are grateful for how much of an impact two little lives can have on us. They have both changed us and we have evolved into better people and a better couple because of the love we have for Bean and Passenger. Their little brother or sister growing inside me right now will always know who their siblings are as soon as they can understand.

I felt I had recovered enough after 2 and a half weeks sick leave, the bleeding had lightened considerably like that at the end of a period and the pain I had felt was much more manageable. I did end up ringing the emergency gynae unit about the pain and I had my urine tested for any infections but they came back negative.

I had been booked in for a follow up appointment with the consultant that had performed the surgery. I had no idea what to expect, I hadn't been offered this after the same surgeon had removed Bean's gestational sac. Again I armed myself with questions, the most important being could myself and Rob get some sort of genetic testing, and could I have my MTHFR gene tested for abnormalities. I had done lots of googling and reading of scientific articles on the causes of anencephaly and the two main things that seemed to come up were genetic/chromosomal abnormalities and low folic acid. After looking deeper into the folic acid research I found the MTHFR gene has a main role in converting the synthetic folic acid found in prenatal vitamins into its natural state so the tiny foetus can use it to close the neural tube. According to research papers there are loads of different mutations that can occur in this gene which can subsequently affect the enzymatic potential of the MTHFR protein. There are a couple of mutations that cause real problems with pregnancy and other aspects of life so I was confident I didn't have those mutations but I wanted to be investigated.

I turned up to my appointment with my list of questions alone, Rob was working. Again I didn't know what to expect from this appointment and to be honest I came away from it bitterly disappointed. I asked about genetic testing and the consultant outright refused, I instantly thought well why the hell have you asked me back here?! She wouldn't grant me any biochemical tests to see if I was able to metabolise folic acid properly either. I was gutted, I didn't know what to say, I had pinned my hopes on getting these tests done and I broke down. I came away from the consultation with other plans in place, although no tests would be done the consultant said we could have early and extra scans when or if we got pregnant again. The other main thing that I took away was that I'd have to take 5mg folic acid for every pregnancy from then on. I was even advised to take the high folic acid for the rest of my reproductive life in case I fell pregnant without planning to. 

I was shocked by the whole experience and extremely upset as I made my way home. I bawled on the phone to Rob, it wasn't fair I didn't know what else I could do apart from pay for private tests and even then I wouldn't know where to start. I got in touch with my grief counsellor and booked myself in straight away and tried to gather myself together. 

I'm going to leave it there today Angel Mamas and Papas, I'm still suffering from a nasty cold and my sinuses are getting very painful!

Stay strong, I'll see you next week xxx