A Father's Perspective - Part Two

Hey everyone, I hope you are all ok and enjoying our little heatwave! This week has been pretty uneventful, I'm feeling a whole load better and think my antidepressants are starting to kick in which is nice. I'm hoping if my mood improves so will my cycles. We are fully in ttc mode, I just hope I ovulate this month and have a shorter cycle, for me that would be a great improvement.

Last week I posted part one of my husbands point of view to our loss of Bean, I hope it has been useful to read a fathers perspective. This is part two of that interview.

Rob was still going to work when we went through the two week wait to see if my body would start to miscarry naturally. He said he didn't do much work, he already hated his job but again trying to get into some sort of routine for him was a coping mechanism. He even went to his work Christmas party but obviously wasn't in the mood for celebrating anything. He did end up telling a couple of colleagues about what had happened. He learned that some of them had suffered the same fate (both male) but Rob didn't find this helpful knowing that others had gone through what he was going through.

We went back to our naivety again, how I never thought we would be part of that 1 in 4 statistic even though I had mentioned that miscarriages are common. Then Rob said "now it's the other way round" I asked him to explain what he meant. "Now we see so many people having kids, we don't know if it will be us. It feels more like it's going to fail than go well." That was really heartbreaking for me to hear, he's normally quite an optimistic guy but this is the first bit of doubt I've really heard him say in terms of us having a family. He added, "But you don't get where you wanna get to if you don't try. If you don't believe in the impossible, the impossible will never happen." My optimistic husband was back ☺️. 

I asked him about the next scan we had in Oxford after our two week wait. He said he wasn't expecting anything because he didn't know anything, he didn't know what was going on. I feel guilty that he felt that way, everything should have been explained to both of us until both of us knew what was going on, I understood so how come he didn't? Maybe it was another coping mechanism, maybe it was denial. He said he followed my lead throughout the whole process, I find that interesting thinking back because I was such a mess and all I was focussed on was Bean and the loss, admittedly I didn't consider Rob much hence why I didn't realise he was being ignored the whole time. I was unable to function to do everyday things so Rob had picked up the slack in that respect. Conversely, he was looking to me for everything to do with the loss, following my lead because he didn't understand, couldn't process the information or couldn't cope with it at that time. I think it makes us a strong couple and unknowing at the time we were taking burdens on and from each other, making us a pretty good team in the face of an awful situation. 

After that scan which showed I had not started to miscarry naturally Rob said he still didn't think about the baby, he just focussed on me the whole time. He said he tried to "keep" me, he couldn't think of the right word, I think that kind of means he tried to prevent me from going over the edge into depression. Which unfortunately he didn't prevent, I was absolutely devastated after the loss because I thought having a family was pretty easy. I think now we've had two losses I have coped better because I expect the worse now which is awful in itself. I think only people who have been through loss will understand that sentiment. 

Rob said that he had to sort out the last few things regarding our new home while we were losing Bean so again the pregnancy itself wasn't at the forefront of his mind. Even when the pregnancy was going well in those first 6 weeks he admitted he never thought of Bean and he only thought of how I was. I was pretty surprised by this comment but I understand his point of view, Bean, in his mind was still part of me so I'd like to think even though he was thinking only of how I was, he was really thinking of me and Bean as the same being. After he read my letter to Bean it changed for him, he said he thought about the loss a lot afterwards, it started going around his head. I asked at this point if he actually saw Bean's death as a loss, I was finding it hard to understand his view of the events, he said it was a loss but it was more of a massive change in me that he saw as a result and had to try and help. He said the scans only showed the beginnings of a baby inside me which was still me. Again his concern started and ended at how I was feeling and trying to take away my hurt and pain. After he read the letter was when he started seeing the baby and realising what we had lost. I think this relates back to what I was saying before with how the woman always has that connection with the baby from the very first positive pregnancy test, but the father can take a bit of time to find that connection. 

He described that once it dawned on him what we had lost the grief played on his mind for a couple of months afterwards then he forced himself to snap out of it whereas I couldn't. Then he tried to keep our lives afloat again. I couldn't comment on these months where Rob was grieving because I was in such a dark place myself I was in no position to even function for myself. He told a work colleague who happened to have gone through the same awful experience, and he said that the father has to be strong like a wall and hold his wife up. That's what Rob did, he completely became my rock and I was fully dependant on him I don't know what would have happened if he wasn't there. 

We went back to the night where I underwent medical management to start the miscarriage. Rob said he couldn't remember the night at all. At the start of this interview he said for me not to be mad if he couldn't remember every detail and I think he was a little nervous at this point in the story as for me if was a massive deal. But I honestly think he can't remember it because it was a coping mechanism, his mind has locked it away because it's too painful to comprehend. He focussed on moving all of our furniture and packing it up into a van ready for us moving into our new home.

After we moved Rob started his new job straight away which helped his mood and depression he had, although undiagnosed, from his old job in London. I had my third scan which showed the sac was retained in my uterus meaning the medical management hadn't worked fully. He said that news was annoying because it delayed my healing even longer which was frustrating. Surgery followed, he remembered being with me for a while and that I was in pieces. The nurses barely acknowledged him. While I was in surgery he had to wait in a little room with other men, I originally thought this room was full of the fathers of the sadly miscarried babies but he then told me there was a chatty old man in there that had been for a procedure himself so I guess he was in the general day surgery waiting room. He remembers reading a car magazine while he waited for me then coming to see me straight away after I had come round from the general anaesthetic. He can't remember going home or that night, only that I was very wounded emotionally. 

I asked him how life changed after the physical side of the miscarriage was finished. He said I was sad for a very long time, and that he felt he had lost me for a very long time. He felt like I wasn't me anymore and he found it hard to talk to me about anything as I was consumed by grief and depression. He felt like he didn't have many people to turn to and got confused as to who was around at that time. I think the confusion is understandable when you've been through trauma, the memory becomes a mishmash and it end up piecing together different times, I'm sure this kind of thing is Robs coping mechanism. 

I asked if there was anything he would have done differently, he said he would have suggested surgery straight away and not bothered with medical management. Then confidently he said apart from that there was nothing we could have done differently because we had done nothing wrong, he feels he did everything he could have and that's important. We have to think in this way otherwise we'd both me consumed with what ifs and guilt, we have no answers why we miscarried but we have to believe and know we didn't cause Beans death. I mentioned my need for antidepressants then and now and said that he had felt strong enough throughout both losses not to need medical intervention, he described himself as the rock from earlier, he said that rocks do not absorb anything and that was his mechanism. The waves of grief washed over him as they would with anyone but he managed not to become consumed by grief.

He said even though he felt he'd lost me I couldn't change how I felt or reacted to the news, it was right for me to react that way and I agree, when you go through grief whatever you feel in any particular moment is the right thing for you to feel at that time. You can't force yourself to move on or feel a certain way, you just have to ride the waves of grief and get through each day or even each hour without drowning. And if you drown, like I did, that's acceptable too, although it's awful it's where I had to go because  I went there. I don't know if that makes much sense. I'm just trying to say that grief throws you around a lot and because it is so personal, everyone's experience will obviously be different so there is no set route so don't feel guilty for whatever you feel throughout those times. If you are laughing don't feel guilty for it, if you are feeling angry seeing pregnancy announcements on social media don't feel guilty about it, you are entitled to feel angry and unfairly treated by the universe. Accept each emotion and feeling as they arise, and ride each one until the next comes along to sweep you away. 

Finally I asked Rob if he had anything to say to any other fathers out there who were going through loss. He said he didn't think he did particularly well and felt he wasn't in a position to give advice. He then proceeded to say it depends on the couple as to how they cope with loss. Essentially, he did the jobs that I couldn't do, he became the rock and functioned for the both of us. Whereas other women may be much stronger or able to cope with loss in a different way to how I did, which would allow the father to behave and react differently. He felt in our situation he didn't have a choice in how he reacted and he had to keep the both of us afloat. So in the end the way the father reacts can depend on how the mother reacts to the loss of a baby. If the mother is strong it allows the father to let his guard down if not he has to keep it up for her sake and look after her. I think that's a pretty balanced view and shows how much of a team we are and reflects again how he has been thinking of me the whole time we have been through this horrible time in our lives. 

I had one more question but it wasn't received so well. I wanted to see if Rob wanted to say anything to Bean but he said he wouldn't really want to talk about it, I pushed a little bit to get a response but didn't really get one. At this point the interview ended and he became very quiet, I was worried I had pushed too far. It was amazing that he'd even agreed to talk openly at all and I was concerned I had ruined it at the end. I gave him a big hug and felt he was upset, his breathing was a little ragged and he wept for Bean. I think that was the first time he had really talked fully about our first pregnancy and first loss, it had brought everything to the forefront that was locked away for well over a year. It was my turn to be the strong one, the rock even for a little while.

I'd like to say a very special thank you to Rob, it's so important that the fathers perspective is documented and I know how hard it is for him to talk about emotional stuff. I really appreciate it.

Thanks a lot for reading, stay strong,

Adele xxx

A Father's Perspective - Part One

Hi all! Hope you are doing alright and your week went well. We had our genetic testing consultation on Tuesday and it went pretty well. I was preparing myself for an argument as we were previously denied testing by my previous consultant and was told by a genetic counsellor that it would be unlikely to be offered after "only two losses". But I was pleasantly surprised by the whole experience. First off Rob was acknowledged straight away by the genetic consultant and felt included in the appointment, after all, our babies are half his genetic make up and that's what we wanted to discuss. The consultant was really lovely and asked us questions about both of our families and drew up our respective family trees, she came to the conclusion that it's unlikely that Passengers fate was genetically influenced although she did tell us there was a slightly higher prevalence of anencephaly in Scottish and Irish families. I come from Scottish and Irish blood and Rob has The Irish running through his veins, I found that really interesting and it was pretty much the only thing we were told in the appointment that I didn't know beforehand. After running through our family trees and discussing how we were coping with the two losses (I mentioned being prescribed sertraline and explained the struggles we have had after losing two) she offered us Karyotyping. Karyotyping looks at the chromosomes which are made up of our DNA, the structures are examined to see if each of the 23 chromosomes are the right size and the right number. There is a possibility that either one of our chromosomes has undergone what is called a "balanced translocation" where a chunk of DNA from one chromosome has been swapped with another chunk from another chromosome. In a parents case it doesn't show a disorder or phenotype but it is possible to pass it onto offspring which can cause duplications or deletions of genetic sequence ultimately causing miscarriage, genetic disorders or defects that are incompatible with life. If this is the case Bean and Passenger could be linked. Then again our results could (and hopefully will) come back completely normal meaning that Beans fate was awful bad luck and Passenger's was either again horrible luck or a result from environmental factors, namely lack in folic acid intake on my part (even though I took the daily amount recommended).  I did ask about getting biochemical/genetic testing for the MTHFR gene which metabolises folic acid into its natural form but she said that if I had something wrong with that gene I would be showing folic acid deficiencies. She explained the 5mg folic acid tablets I am now taking are used like a vitamin in which the body only takes what it needs and anything over that amount is expelled in the urine. We will find out our Karyotyping results in 8-9weeks which is standard turn around time for that kind of test, so I will keep you posted.

I mentioned last week that I wanted to get Rob's point of view on Bean and our miscarriage. It's been awkward to get him to talk but I finally cornered him while I was cutting his hair last night. I recorded the conversation which lasted about 40 minutes and I want to just summarise what his answers to my questions were rather than write out the whole conversation, reading a script wouldn't be very interesting!

I found it hard to think of specific questions, I really I wanted him to reel off his experience from start to finish just as I am doing with this blog. But that's just not how Rob works, he has admitted before that he doesn't show his feelings easily, like a lot of men I think. So him opening up was a little difficult. Even before I started my first question he immediately said  "please don't say 'how did you feel..' it's such a hard question." Like he was dreading opening up in that way but that's what this whole thing is about. Sharing his experience so I understand him fully, just like he is understanding me by reading these posts. 

I proceeded to ask how he felt in the beginning, I wanted to leave the questions as open as possible. He said in the beginning that he didn't really take any of it in, the information of the miscarriage, because he was instantly focussed on me and how I was and making sure I was ok. He said he feels horrible but he didn't think about Bean as much because he was so focussed on me and looking after me. He didn't take anything else into account. Similarly to how my world closed in around me his closed in around him but he described me as being at the end of the tunnel and everything else was closed in all around him, further explaining the focus he had on me and me only. It took me a little while to understand this analogy. I thought he was saying that I was far away from him but I'd gotten the wrong end of the stick. He then went  on to say that it wasn't until during the 2 week wait when he read my letters to Bean previously talked about in this blog that he really thought about Bean and the actual loss and realised what had happened. I guess this was shock taking over his mind really. His brain had chosen to focus on one thing and that happened to be me and he was unable to process any other information. I remember him being quite emotional when he read the letter to Bean. I think that was the first time I had seen him cry since we were given the devastating news. However, he didn't really know whether he felt emotional reading it because he was reading and feeling my emotion and grief for Bean rather than feeling his own grief himself. 

I asked him about his connection with Bean, as a mother I felt a connection as soon as we got a BFP, probably even beforehand as I knew we were pregnant before I took the test. But he felt he didn't really have that same sort of connection. I think that's fairly common in fathers, I think the idea of a pregnancy and a baby that is so tiny is rather abstract for a father, especially a first time father. He said even looking at the scans of Bean he didn't know what he was looking at, Bean never looked like a baby and he never moved or was ever going to. Whereas seeing Passenger on the screen moving around and looking like a baby gave him a much stronger connection. I don't think for any second that Bean is loved any less at all but Rob saw him as a "pre-person", he was a bundle of cells and to Rob Bean was still part of me, not a life in his own right. I don't agree with this view but I think that's the difference between the mother and the father, mothers feel a connection straight away which is very strong, mothers know their child longer than the father does. And seeing something on the screen, although amazing, still doesn't seem real. 

I asked him about the crash, he felt immense guilt after the crash because he thought he was the cause of Bean's death. One momentary lapse of concentration for a split second could have caused all of this. But we know the crash wasn't the cause, Bean had stopped growing three weeks before we had that bump in the car. He said even while we were waiting in A&E he was sorting out insurance and other things so again he was not thinking about Bean, and only thinking about me. I suggested him throwing himself into other things could have been a coping mechanism and he agreed, although all of the insurance stuff would have needed to be done anyway. It's not like he was throwing himself into pointless tasks and burying his head in the sand, he was holding the fort and doing all of the jobs that I couldn't do because I was stressed and worried and later after we were given the news I was incapable of functioning. 

He mentioned how naive he was back then while waiting in the early pregnancy unit for the first scan. He remembers the very sad couples in there but never thinking that we would be one of those couples. I completely shared his naivety, I never thought for a second we would have been the 1 in 4 that suffer miscarriage and after being told and going through it we both have said that we wouldn't be able to enjoy a pregnancy again, for at least the first 12 weeks if not longer now with what happened with Passenger. 

We talked about our visits to Oxford, being told officially that Bean had died. Rob said that he didn't know how he felt then which is totally understandable, there is no way to describe that feeling when you are told that news. He said he had wanted me to make the decision regarding our options as it was my body, and he would have gone with whatever I decided. Again his main focus was to keep me safe because I really broke down after that news. My world caved in and all Rob could do was to shield me as best he could. He said that no one talked to him in that hospital at all, no one even looked at him. I was appalled to hear this and also ashamed because I never noticed at the time. He said I was the centre of attention, not in a horrible way but that's the way it was, but the fact was that half of Rob had died too and the way he has been treated throughout the process of both of our losses has been terrible. Not that he has been treated badly but just completely ignored through the process. He told me about the nurses that didn't even look at him when we were both in appointments, and consultants that didn't acknowledge him. He felt empty and helpless but again he was holding me up, that's the recurring theme in his speech. He was holding me up, physically in a lot of cases but mentally all the time. That's the job he had taken upon himself, he didn't think about anything, he didn't have questions for the doctors that ignored him he just instantly became my rock when I collapsed. 

Much like in war film when a grenade goes off and the the background noise of the film becomes muted, that's how he saw and felt things when we were given the news. Again the focus was on me but everything else was muted and muffled so he didn't hear or think anything.  Completely understand this analogy, where he had muted sounds I had muted colours in my life. My world literally became black and grey when we went through the loss of Bean and subsequently suffered depression afterwards. My world became pale, that's where the name of this blog comes from.

This is taking way longer than I anticipated and creating a very long post so I will split it into two or three sections. I hope this is helpful for you all. It's been really hard for Rob to talk about our loss of Bean and talk about his emotions and for him to open up for 40 minutes has been amazing.

Stay strong,

Adele xxx

A quick update

Hi all, I hope you've all had a better week than I have! My week has been tiring and stressful, work has been frustrating and I've been feeling quite low. Even Rob has become emotional earlier on in the week, after receiving a message on a group chat of a scan picture I saw him gazing out of our back window at the apple trees. He admitted he was not ok and cried on my shoulder as I stroked the back on his head. The scan picture was just like Passenger's the legs were so similar and it had brought everything back for Rob. We have had to protect ourselves and muted that particular whatsapp group as it was unfortunately triggering us both, obviously we don't want the members of the group to change their behaviour we understand their excitement and happiness but it's just a little too much for us to take at the moment. 

My symptoms are getting worse, I'm finding it hard to get to sleep and like clockwork I wake up 4 hours later and doze until my alarm went off. I've noticed a tremor in my hands that has hindered my work slightly. I had tried to live my life as best I could but my mask was slipping, keeping it on has been exhausting and was certainly taking its toll. My period still hadn't arrived and I was getting anxious and after pouring my heart out to my sister in law I rang the doctor. She suggested going back on antidepressants - sertraline at 50mg and I felt some relief. So I've been taking medication for the last couple of days and low and behold, AF arrives! My cycle was 47 days long, I'm fairly sure I hadn't ovulated although I did see some change in my cervical fluid it never went to raw egg white consistency. My period itself is also a little unusual for me, much heavier than normal and really bright red fresh blood even with tiny clots mixed in but luckily no period pain (weird since I've had period pain on and off for over two weeks!). Even though my period has been different I'm not worried, I think it's still in the normal range.

I originally wanted to get Rob's story of Bean for this post, a husband's point of view, a father's point of view of miscarriage. When I approached him about it although he was up for it and felt it a good idea to get a mans view across he has been a little anxious about it. He's said he doesn't want to offend me if he doesn't remember every detail like I have, but that's the point, I want to understand his experience. However, we haven't had time this week for us to discuss it properly really, we've found it hard to set time aside specifically. We obviously talk about Bean a lot but delving back to the painful times has been very hard and almost a little unnatural if that makes sense. He's also not a "talker" unlike me, so when we do get round to recording I will need to try and coax it out of him.

We've had such a busy weekend with a family member's birthday celebration that my post will be really short this week and won't have any of Beans story, but hopefully by next week I will have Rob's take on things and also the results of my consultation with the genetic specialist regarding genetic testing after Passenger's condition. I'm really sorry it's so short but I will be back next week!

Stay strong, 

Adele xxx

Surgery

May the 7th marks International Bereaved Mother's Day, a day dedicated to mothers who have gone through any sort of baby, infant or child loss. It's a day to bring recognition to ALL mothers. I am a mother of two, I didn't get to meet either of them properly, I've never heard either of them cry, I never felt either of them kick, I don't even know their gender for certain. 

Today has brought me to the end of my week off with my husband, we have transformed our garden from an over grown, dark, claustrophobic space to a lovely light and open garden. We buried Passenger under her apple tree and it stands proudly next to Bean's apple tree, standing among pansies and carnations. It was a very hard day, it was difficult seeing her going under. We'd written some more notes for her and Bean which were obviously difficult to write. 

<<From this..to this!>> 😀

It's been a weird week, although it's been really positive and productive in terms of the garden and the house, I feel I've gone backwards in terms of my psychological health and grief. I've continued to feel down, my period still hasn't come I'm now in CD42. I'm sick of this never ending cycle, there are no signs of change. I took another pregnancy test yesterday - negative. I'm pretty certain I have not ovulated at all, although I did see a change in my CF I don't think it was enough to release an egg. Family say not to track and not to stress, it's pretty hard not to track, I notice everything now, and I think it's better to track in case I am asked any questions at my upcoming consultations at the hospital. It has been an up and down week, tears, frustration, laughter and happiness, pain and worry. The pain mostly relating to to my tattoos! I got the other feather done on Tuesday and I am so pleased with it, now I have the whole family with me, my babies walk with me everyday.

My last post led us to the day before my surgery, I didn't sleep that night, how could I? I'd never had any sort of surgery before, I was terrified but completely unanimated. The shock had ran so deeply I couldn't do anything but stare into space and wonder what I had done to deserve this. I slumped forward, I didn't have the strength to sit up, tears caught in my throat constantly, my eyes were rimmed in red, my cheeks had damp, salty streaks, my nose was hot and pink, my hair was greasy and unbrushed, my fringe was wet with tears plastered to my forehead. My mind was literally shutting down, it had taken too much trauma but I had to get to the hospital, I needed this to be over.

We got to the outpatients department, I brought some stuff with me - a dressing gown, slippers which happened to be my mother in law's as I still hadn't got round to unpacking mine yet. We checked in and we sat down in the waiting room, the tears came again as we waited. I shrank in the chair, almost bent double leaning my chest on my lap with Rob's arm around me. I didn't look around, I wouldn't have seen anything if I had anyway. A few minutes later I was called in on my own, I kissed Rob. I was really scared, I didn't want to go on my own, but the nurses said that they didn't really allow men on the ward as it was specifically for women's surgery. I followed her to my little bay, I confirmed I hadn't eaten or drank anything since around 8am, it was around noon by this point and I was already feeling thirsty. I remember seeing a couple of other patients on the ward, there was a lady to my right as I laid on the bed in the hospital gown that was throwing up all the time. The sound was horrific, terrible dry retching every 5-10minutes, she must have been exhausted. I don't know if she was having a reaction to the medication or whether she was suffering for morning sickness. The noise made me feel nauseous and I had no music to drown her out I really hate sick in general, I'd never be able to work in a club or a pub I wouldn't be able to deal with people being sick. All I could do was try to block her out until she went in for her procedure. There was another young girl opposite me in another bay, she was accompanied by her boyfriend I assumed and that's when it dawned on me - this ward housed women suffering miscarriages, complications in pregnancy and those with unwanted pregnancies. Of course I was making huge assumptions but the young couple can't have been much older than 15-16, I suddenly became incredibly envious and angry with them both. How could they go through an abortion when I had lost my very much wanted child? Why was that allowed in this modern world? I was so critical of that couple, thinking now, I had no idea what they had been through and I'm a little ashamed but I can't help what I felt and I'm only relaying my thoughts and feelings as they were back then. I guess I just felt such an overwhelming sense of injustice and I was projecting my anger of my loss onto them which wasn't their fault. It also pissed me off that she was allowed to have her boyfriend there with her! I'm suffering too if not more so! Again I'm ashamed to say I was thinking that. Now I accept that everyone in that room has had to make either a heart breaking choice or a heartbreaking choice has been made for them without their control. 

I shut the curtain, at least I had the sense to know when something was triggering me and it was better just to shut them out, or shut myself away. I was near a window and I stared out often as the time went by. The retching died away so I guess that lady went in for surgery. I texted Rob updating him on events, or lack of as the case was for at least the first hour. Eventually another nurse came round and explained that she had to give me the same medical management pills as before to soften my cervix in preparation for surgery as no incisions are made during the procedure. This time she inserted them, I remember her face afterwards, she looked disgusted, only for a split second but I saw it. There were no encouraging words, no bedside manner. She did what she needed to do and moved on. I put some paper panties on and wedged a huge pad between my legs. I stared out the window once more feeling the hot tears roll down my face again. It seems like I never had dry eyes during that whole month since finding out Bean had died, my eyes were always on the brink of overflowing at any moment. 

Another hour passed at least, it must have been past 2o'clock by now, I was gagging for a drink and my belly rumbled impatiently. The ward was quieter now, many of the women had been in to have the procedure and I got more frequent pop-ins from the nurses, I was getting desperate for the surgery now, my mouth was so dry my tongue was a clump in my mouth. I asked if Rob could come in and my wish was granted we waited together as the pills made my uterus cramp mildly. I was worried the pills would take affect and I'd start to bleed before I had time to go into surgery, I stayed laying on the bed to stop gravity from helping proceedings. 

Finally my time came, and suddenly I wasn't desperate for surgery anymore I didn't want to go in. But everything was already on it's way, the pills made me cramp, I'd signed everything, and in the end there was nothing I could do. I had to go through this. I knew it was the right thing to do. It was the only way. This would be the end of the awful physical part of miscarriage. After this I'd be able to get better, things would go back to normal, right? 

I remember walking down a corridor, yeah, walking, I wasn't on a bed. I was walking through the hospital, the young anaesthetist was behind me wrapping the comically over-sized hospital gown around me one and a half times and securing it into place. I shuffled along painfully conscious of the paper pants and maxi pad I was wearing. Then I was led into an anaesthetic room, a little room where they administer the general anaesthetic so you don't end up seeing all the offensive tools they'll use in you during surgery. I said that these rooms were a very good idea and I lifted myself onto the bed slowly and the anaesthetist told me that a lot of hospitals were starting to phase them out. Idle chit chat really, I was keeping a brave face pretty well. A few minutes later and I was ready to go under, then reality hit, this was going to be the end of my first pregnancy. This was saying goodbye to Bean, after four weeks of limbo and hating it all I was now terrified of leaving, what was going to happen next? I felt guilt rush throughout my body, I was killing Bean. I was killing Bean's pregnancy. Burning spikes pricked my eyes and I cried anew, everything stopped, the gas mask was hovering above my face, the young anaesthetist asked if I was alright. I choked out an answer "I don't want to say goodbye to my baby." She held my hand, I gripped it tightly and quietly sobbed for a few more seconds. There was such a big build up of emotions it was impossible to hold them all, I had let out a trickle to relieve some of the pressure and I started to relax back into the quiet state of despair, my strength left me and I let out a ragged sigh. I gave a slight nod and the mask was put over my nose and mouth I started counting down from ten and the world faded away.

I awoke 20 minutes later in a dumb and drowsy state overhearing conversations about London 2012, I spoke incoherently but was trying to tell the nurses that me and Rob had been to see the badminton. I don't actually know if those conversations were real or not, it's a pretty weird detail to remember! When I'd fully come round I was taken back to my bay where Rob was waiting for me, I was so glad to see him, he really was and still is a rock for me. I was brought some water and a sandwich I wolfed them both down instantly, it was well after 4pm by this point and I hadn't eaten or drank anything since early morning. The hospital couldn't let me go until I had been to the loo but I was so dehydrated I literally couldn't go. I drank another pitcher of water and waited, I was becoming so exhausted from the day and no sleep from the night before, I really wanted to go home and get away from this place. I shuffled towards the loo, the paper pants had been discarded at this point but I could feel a pad. I hoisted up the robe and looked down at myself, I was covered in iodine which took me by surprise and again I tried to understand what had happened to me. I managed a dribble of pee and I was allowed to go home. Rob helped me dress, I was scared of moving roughly and the anaesthetic was still coursing through my veins so I was slow and cumbersome. When we got home all I can remember is being on the sofa and examining my hand where they had administered the anaesthetic, it was bruised and swollen. I curled up and dozed in and out of sleep.

The next day was a Saturday, my parents travelled down from "up North" early to see us. Since all of this I've become much more open with my mum, we've always been really close but as a family we don't really show our feelings, especially the real deep dark feelings we might experience. So when they said they were coming down, it was to see if we were ok but also to help us clean up our house, after all we hadn't been moved in a week yet. We hugged with watery eyes and everyone got to work while I stood around an delegated. Rob had already taken up the carpets so my dad was removing the staples from the floor boards, me and mum were cleaning up as we went. We even popped a bottle of Champagne for moving in, it was bizarre, I was living two alternative lives that weekend, I was bleeding from surgery, coming down from anaesthetic, unpacking my life into a new house and inside my soul just shrank away into a black crumbly stone. But on the outside I was already practicing wearing the mask. Whether it was to protect Rob, my parents or myself I couldn't tell you, probably a mixture of all three. My parents left on the Sunday, I felt less groggy but was still bleeding lightly. I prepared to start my new job the following day.