Hi all, I hope you've all had a better week than I have! My week has been tiring and stressful, work has been frustrating and I've been feeling quite low. Even Rob has become emotional earlier on in the week, after receiving a message on a group chat of a scan picture I saw him gazing out of our back window at the apple trees. He admitted he was not ok and cried on my shoulder as I stroked the back on his head. The scan picture was just like Passenger's the legs were so similar and it had brought everything back for Rob. We have had to protect ourselves and muted that particular whatsapp group as it was unfortunately triggering us both, obviously we don't want the members of the group to change their behaviour we understand their excitement and happiness but it's just a little too much for us to take at the moment.
My symptoms are getting worse, I'm finding it hard to get to sleep and like clockwork I wake up 4 hours later and doze until my alarm went off. I've noticed a tremor in my hands that has hindered my work slightly. I had tried to live my life as best I could but my mask was slipping, keeping it on has been exhausting and was certainly taking its toll. My period still hadn't arrived and I was getting anxious and after pouring my heart out to my sister in law I rang the doctor. She suggested going back on antidepressants - sertraline at 50mg and I felt some relief. So I've been taking medication for the last couple of days and low and behold, AF arrives! My cycle was 47 days long, I'm fairly sure I hadn't ovulated although I did see some change in my cervical fluid it never went to raw egg white consistency. My period itself is also a little unusual for me, much heavier than normal and really bright red fresh blood even with tiny clots mixed in but luckily no period pain (weird since I've had period pain on and off for over two weeks!). Even though my period has been different I'm not worried, I think it's still in the normal range.
I originally wanted to get Rob's story of Bean for this post, a husband's point of view, a father's point of view of miscarriage. When I approached him about it although he was up for it and felt it a good idea to get a mans view across he has been a little anxious about it. He's said he doesn't want to offend me if he doesn't remember every detail like I have, but that's the point, I want to understand his experience. However, we haven't had time this week for us to discuss it properly really, we've found it hard to set time aside specifically. We obviously talk about Bean a lot but delving back to the painful times has been very hard and almost a little unnatural if that makes sense. He's also not a "talker" unlike me, so when we do get round to recording I will need to try and coax it out of him.
We've had such a busy weekend with a family member's birthday celebration that my post will be really short this week and won't have any of Beans story, but hopefully by next week I will have Rob's take on things and also the results of my consultation with the genetic specialist regarding genetic testing after Passenger's condition. I'm really sorry it's so short but I will be back next week!
Stay strong,
Adele xxx
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