Hey everyone, I hope you are all ok and enjoying our little heatwave! This week has been pretty uneventful, I'm feeling a whole load better and think my antidepressants are starting to kick in which is nice. I'm hoping if my mood improves so will my cycles. We are fully in ttc mode, I just hope I ovulate this month and have a shorter cycle, for me that would be a great improvement.
Last week I posted part one of my husbands point of view to our loss of Bean, I hope it has been useful to read a fathers perspective. This is part two of that interview.
Rob was still going to work when we went through the two week wait to see if my body would start to miscarry naturally. He said he didn't do much work, he already hated his job but again trying to get into some sort of routine for him was a coping mechanism. He even went to his work Christmas party but obviously wasn't in the mood for celebrating anything. He did end up telling a couple of colleagues about what had happened. He learned that some of them had suffered the same fate (both male) but Rob didn't find this helpful knowing that others had gone through what he was going through.
We went back to our naivety again, how I never thought we would be part of that 1 in 4 statistic even though I had mentioned that miscarriages are common. Then Rob said "now it's the other way round" I asked him to explain what he meant. "Now we see so many people having kids, we don't know if it will be us. It feels more like it's going to fail than go well." That was really heartbreaking for me to hear, he's normally quite an optimistic guy but this is the first bit of doubt I've really heard him say in terms of us having a family. He added, "But you don't get where you wanna get to if you don't try. If you don't believe in the impossible, the impossible will never happen." My optimistic husband was back ☺️.
I asked him about the next scan we had in Oxford after our two week wait. He said he wasn't expecting anything because he didn't know anything, he didn't know what was going on. I feel guilty that he felt that way, everything should have been explained to both of us until both of us knew what was going on, I understood so how come he didn't? Maybe it was another coping mechanism, maybe it was denial. He said he followed my lead throughout the whole process, I find that interesting thinking back because I was such a mess and all I was focussed on was Bean and the loss, admittedly I didn't consider Rob much hence why I didn't realise he was being ignored the whole time. I was unable to function to do everyday things so Rob had picked up the slack in that respect. Conversely, he was looking to me for everything to do with the loss, following my lead because he didn't understand, couldn't process the information or couldn't cope with it at that time. I think it makes us a strong couple and unknowing at the time we were taking burdens on and from each other, making us a pretty good team in the face of an awful situation.
After that scan which showed I had not started to miscarry naturally Rob said he still didn't think about the baby, he just focussed on me the whole time. He said he tried to "keep" me, he couldn't think of the right word, I think that kind of means he tried to prevent me from going over the edge into depression. Which unfortunately he didn't prevent, I was absolutely devastated after the loss because I thought having a family was pretty easy. I think now we've had two losses I have coped better because I expect the worse now which is awful in itself. I think only people who have been through loss will understand that sentiment.
Rob said that he had to sort out the last few things regarding our new home while we were losing Bean so again the pregnancy itself wasn't at the forefront of his mind. Even when the pregnancy was going well in those first 6 weeks he admitted he never thought of Bean and he only thought of how I was. I was pretty surprised by this comment but I understand his point of view, Bean, in his mind was still part of me so I'd like to think even though he was thinking only of how I was, he was really thinking of me and Bean as the same being. After he read my letter to Bean it changed for him, he said he thought about the loss a lot afterwards, it started going around his head. I asked at this point if he actually saw Bean's death as a loss, I was finding it hard to understand his view of the events, he said it was a loss but it was more of a massive change in me that he saw as a result and had to try and help. He said the scans only showed the beginnings of a baby inside me which was still me. Again his concern started and ended at how I was feeling and trying to take away my hurt and pain. After he read the letter was when he started seeing the baby and realising what we had lost. I think this relates back to what I was saying before with how the woman always has that connection with the baby from the very first positive pregnancy test, but the father can take a bit of time to find that connection.
He described that once it dawned on him what we had lost the grief played on his mind for a couple of months afterwards then he forced himself to snap out of it whereas I couldn't. Then he tried to keep our lives afloat again. I couldn't comment on these months where Rob was grieving because I was in such a dark place myself I was in no position to even function for myself. He told a work colleague who happened to have gone through the same awful experience, and he said that the father has to be strong like a wall and hold his wife up. That's what Rob did, he completely became my rock and I was fully dependant on him I don't know what would have happened if he wasn't there.
We went back to the night where I underwent medical management to start the miscarriage. Rob said he couldn't remember the night at all. At the start of this interview he said for me not to be mad if he couldn't remember every detail and I think he was a little nervous at this point in the story as for me if was a massive deal. But I honestly think he can't remember it because it was a coping mechanism, his mind has locked it away because it's too painful to comprehend. He focussed on moving all of our furniture and packing it up into a van ready for us moving into our new home.
After we moved Rob started his new job straight away which helped his mood and depression he had, although undiagnosed, from his old job in London. I had my third scan which showed the sac was retained in my uterus meaning the medical management hadn't worked fully. He said that news was annoying because it delayed my healing even longer which was frustrating. Surgery followed, he remembered being with me for a while and that I was in pieces. The nurses barely acknowledged him. While I was in surgery he had to wait in a little room with other men, I originally thought this room was full of the fathers of the sadly miscarried babies but he then told me there was a chatty old man in there that had been for a procedure himself so I guess he was in the general day surgery waiting room. He remembers reading a car magazine while he waited for me then coming to see me straight away after I had come round from the general anaesthetic. He can't remember going home or that night, only that I was very wounded emotionally.
I asked him how life changed after the physical side of the miscarriage was finished. He said I was sad for a very long time, and that he felt he had lost me for a very long time. He felt like I wasn't me anymore and he found it hard to talk to me about anything as I was consumed by grief and depression. He felt like he didn't have many people to turn to and got confused as to who was around at that time. I think the confusion is understandable when you've been through trauma, the memory becomes a mishmash and it end up piecing together different times, I'm sure this kind of thing is Robs coping mechanism.
I asked if there was anything he would have done differently, he said he would have suggested surgery straight away and not bothered with medical management. Then confidently he said apart from that there was nothing we could have done differently because we had done nothing wrong, he feels he did everything he could have and that's important. We have to think in this way otherwise we'd both me consumed with what ifs and guilt, we have no answers why we miscarried but we have to believe and know we didn't cause Beans death. I mentioned my need for antidepressants then and now and said that he had felt strong enough throughout both losses not to need medical intervention, he described himself as the rock from earlier, he said that rocks do not absorb anything and that was his mechanism. The waves of grief washed over him as they would with anyone but he managed not to become consumed by grief.
He said even though he felt he'd lost me I couldn't change how I felt or reacted to the news, it was right for me to react that way and I agree, when you go through grief whatever you feel in any particular moment is the right thing for you to feel at that time. You can't force yourself to move on or feel a certain way, you just have to ride the waves of grief and get through each day or even each hour without drowning. And if you drown, like I did, that's acceptable too, although it's awful it's where I had to go because I went there. I don't know if that makes much sense. I'm just trying to say that grief throws you around a lot and because it is so personal, everyone's experience will obviously be different so there is no set route so don't feel guilty for whatever you feel throughout those times. If you are laughing don't feel guilty for it, if you are feeling angry seeing pregnancy announcements on social media don't feel guilty about it, you are entitled to feel angry and unfairly treated by the universe. Accept each emotion and feeling as they arise, and ride each one until the next comes along to sweep you away.
Finally I asked Rob if he had anything to say to any other fathers out there who were going through loss. He said he didn't think he did particularly well and felt he wasn't in a position to give advice. He then proceeded to say it depends on the couple as to how they cope with loss. Essentially, he did the jobs that I couldn't do, he became the rock and functioned for the both of us. Whereas other women may be much stronger or able to cope with loss in a different way to how I did, which would allow the father to behave and react differently. He felt in our situation he didn't have a choice in how he reacted and he had to keep the both of us afloat. So in the end the way the father reacts can depend on how the mother reacts to the loss of a baby. If the mother is strong it allows the father to let his guard down if not he has to keep it up for her sake and look after her. I think that's a pretty balanced view and shows how much of a team we are and reflects again how he has been thinking of me the whole time we have been through this horrible time in our lives.
I had one more question but it wasn't received so well. I wanted to see if Rob wanted to say anything to Bean but he said he wouldn't really want to talk about it, I pushed a little bit to get a response but didn't really get one. At this point the interview ended and he became very quiet, I was worried I had pushed too far. It was amazing that he'd even agreed to talk openly at all and I was concerned I had ruined it at the end. I gave him a big hug and felt he was upset, his breathing was a little ragged and he wept for Bean. I think that was the first time he had really talked fully about our first pregnancy and first loss, it had brought everything to the forefront that was locked away for well over a year. It was my turn to be the strong one, the rock even for a little while.
I'd like to say a very special thank you to Rob, it's so important that the fathers perspective is documented and I know how hard it is for him to talk about emotional stuff. I really appreciate it.
Thanks a lot for reading, stay strong,
Adele xxx
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