Before I begin I'd like to wish a Happy Father's Day to all daddy's of angels, all of your babies too beautiful for this world are looking down on you, you are all amazing fathers.
This week has been one of my darkest for a long while. I'm now on CD37 with no sign of anything changing, I've had neither fertile cervical fluid or any signs of a period. It's really been getting me down even though this is what I expected after surgery. I was also due to attend a Hen weekend for one of my best friends who happens to be pregnant. I thought I'd be ok with it but on Thursday I was so anxious and crying at work I didn't know what to do. I've felt so broken and damaged, when will my body get better? Am I destined not to have children?
I texted my friend on the Thursday warning her that I was not in my right mind and I'd either not be able to go or if I did attend I would come home early. She was really understanding but really hoped I would be able to go. I'd already booked the Friday off in order to travel to Leeds for the hen do but wasn't due to travel until the afternoon so I made an appointment for the doctors in the morning. I told her I was sick of being broken and I didn't know what to do. Admittedly I'd started taking my antidepressants every other day as I was experiencing some side effects, she said it would be better to take a half the dosage every days rather than take one every other day so that's what I've started doing. She assured me that side effects are temporary but I'm still waiting for that to happen. She did have the results of mine and my husbands chromosome testing which thankfully were both normal. So it seems that Bean and Passengers deaths were a case of terrible luck. Although we will be at a slightly higher risk of anencephaly as we'd experienced it before it is much lower than if the cytogenetisists had found any chromosomal translocations. I was surprised the results were ready so early as we had been told 8-9weeks so I was expecting the results to be available at the end of July. Although I can see the positives from getting these results and we are capable of producing a healthy baby it doesn't really help my current situation in terms of feeling very low and anxious and most importantly the fact my cycles are non-existent at the moment.
I said this to the doctor and she asked if I was going to counselling. I replied that I'd been seeing a counsellor for over a year and although it was a good thing to talk things through it can also make the pain raw for a lot longer as you're constantly bringing everything up again, making it difficult to heal. I mentioned that I was writing this blog and that it had some therapeutic effect but I didn't know what else I could do. She only said that I was doing everything I can, but she suggested trying to not get so stressed, don't track cycles and periods or look for signs of fertility or infertility, go on holiday somewhere and try to get some sort of normality back to my life. This is a doctor suggesting these things to me. I have been grieving for two babies for 18 months, this is normal for me now. This is my life. It's impossible for me not to track cycles anymore, I don't deliberately look for signs, I just see them when they're there! So in short she did nothing for me and I came out in tears, I already knew they wouldn't do anything for me as that's what had happened before but it still hurt.
I got home and wondered if I was well enough to attend the hen party, every time I thought of a group of girls together for a weekend it made me feel sick. I felt terrible but I couldn't put myself through that. I told the bride to be that I was unable to go. I just wanted to be with Rob this weekend, I needed some stability.
I hope she had a fabulous time, I know if I had been there I would have brought everyone else down. It's just too hard for me to see pregnant ladies right now, no matter how close they are to me. I'm anxious about next month when my pregnant sister in law comes home from Australia. I just hope my mind is in a better place by then.
It's pretty ironic how last week I was remembering another hen do and how it had helped me see the world again when this week I've been crippled at the thought of going to another one.
My head is still all over the place right now so the thought of delving back into the past tells me I'm not strong enough. Sorry guys, I hope next week I'll be back with you all.
Stay strong,
Adele
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