Hey angel mammas and papas, I hope you've all had a good week. Mine has been pretty uneventful, there has been a few pregnancy announcements both in instagram world and the real world. I'm super happy for all but I've had to unfollow those on instagram. I wish you all the very best and hope everything goes well for you, I hope to join your club soon. I'm on CD44, with no sign of anything happening pregnancy or period-wise. My last cycle was 47 days long so if I go over that amount I will test but I'm pretty certain we have not conceived this cycle, although my husband and I have been having regular intercourse. I really thought going back onto antidepressants and being in a job I enjoy would help me get my cycles back in some sort of working order but that has not happened. The Doctor has said to me "don't get stressed!", but I honestly don't feel that stressed out, I think the amount of stress I feel because of everything that has happened has become the normal level of stress. I'm annoyed that I am not being given any other sort of advice or medication for my cycles, Clomid has been denied me but I know a colleagues sister who suffered a miscarriage was allowed to go on it now she is expecting her first child, she is much younger than me but my doctor just keeps commenting that I am still young. Yet, I have been though two losses and it took me another year to get to any sort of physical normality, I just think it's unfair. I'm contemplating the idea of having acupuncture to help regulate my cycles and maybe help with my stress levels, I'll let you know how that goes if I decide to go through with it.
In the meantime I'll carry on with my story, it was coming to the end of May 2016 and I was due to go back to work after having sick leave, to say that I was nervous was an understatement. My confidence had hit an all time low, I didn't think I was capable of doing any job well. After all, my most natural job of keeping an unborn baby safe was a complete failure.
Over the next few months work continued as normal, I was pretty unhappy and was still trying to cope with our loss. My body wasn't healing, my cycles were all over the place ranging from 70-50 days, I was worried about my fertility, I was worried the surgery had damaged me in some way. I went back to the doctors and voiced my concerns. I was offered blood tests throughout my cycle to determine if I was ovulating or not. I also got an appointment for an ultrasound scan to check my uterus was all ok.
The ultrasound all came back normal, that was a huge relief, my ovaries were in good condition so there was no reason why we couldn't get pregnant in terms of a physical point of view. I awaited the blood appointments. Amazingly during this time I got offered an interview in the hospital genetics laboratory! The interview itself went well apart from when I was asked if I would be comfortable potentially dealing with or seeing foetal samples - this is normally performed in a cytogenetic lab (whereas the job I was offered was in molecular genetics) but the two labs shared a corridor hence the risk of seeing sensitive specimens. I was caught by surprise, scenarios rushed through my head, should I tell them what they want to hear? Or should I tell the truth? Or should I tell the uncensored truth? I took a big breath and told the uncensored truth, I told the two interviewers about my miscarriage and that I wouldn't know how I would react if I saw foetal tissue in the lab. I was quick to add that I was coping a lot better now rather than earlier on in the year, which was true - sort of, at least I was functioning now and was able to get up in the morning. But more importantly I didn't want to sound weak in the interview and I didn't want them questioning my lengthy time off if they got to the referee stage. I was desperate to move on from my current job. And I'd always wanted to work in an NHS genetics lab. By the time the interview was over I had no idea if I'd made the right decision to tell the whole truth or not. I just hoped that the interviewers appreciated my honesty and would maybe think I would have more compassion for the job as I had been through tragedy as well.
Weeks passed with no news of the job or my period. I couldn't start the blood tests until I had started a new cycle, it was so frustrating. I did my best to keep my stress levels down via meditation and carrying chakra crystals but it didn't do anything for my hormone levels. I did have two more interviews however, and I was the successful candidate for one, it was for a role in a hospital closer by doing the same sort of job I was doing currently. I accepted the role with relief and awaited the offer in writing. This is where my mood begins to change, I became more positive and confident in myself and thinking back I believe my job at the time had more of an impact on my depressed state than I realised back then. I thought I didn't like the job because I was depressed and going through grief. When really what was happening was the job was making me depressed which in turn caused me to handle the grief badly.
July rolled round, as well as being our first wedding anniversary and my husbands birthday, it should also have been the month we'd see Bean for the first time and held him in our arms. We were never given a proper due date so it was hard to pin down a day to dedicate to him specifically. My counsellor warned that July would be a tough month and she was right, the grief hit me all over again everything we had lost seemed to feel like it had been taken away again. I knew then that I would never be able to box away this pain a felt. I felt changed as a person, I would never be the person I once was. That seems blindingly obvious now, going through a life changing event will change you into someone else but it only dawned on me during that July month last year. I tracked my never-ending cycle and couldn't believe how a tiny being who lived for 6 weeks could have such a lasting effect on my body and hormones.
During mid-August I prepared myself for a triggering day, my nephews third birthday party. I knew a baby would be there who was around 4-6weeks old, the same age as Bean should have been. Even as I awake that day it was first thing that I thought of and I felt a pang of nerves and anxiety, not to mention all the other toddlers who would be there. I was already feeling fragile when I glanced at my phone, a text message was waiting, it was a picture of my nephew with a sign saying he was going to be a big brother. I'm not proud of this but my heart sank, I was barely prepared to see the tiny baby now this news? I went to the bathroom, my period came. I just felt everything was being rubbed in my face on an already difficult day. I wanted to cancel, I wanted to say I had a migraine and couldn't attend the party. I wanted to bury myself away, my mood plummeted. Rob had to physically pick me up out of the bed, I shouted, I screamed for me to leave me alone. This was my grief coming out and I'd been told to accept everything I felt. He didn't let up though, he popped me in the shower, he dressed me while my vacant eyes saw nothing. The darkness was creeping in at the edges again, I sensed it this time though, I recognised it like a rolling mist over my eyes. I don't know what happened at the party, but I was there. Afterwards I crawled back into bed again and growled at Rob to leave me alone. My face ached from crying so hard, I stayed there all afternoon, evening, night and into the next morning. Again Rob eventually got me dressed and dragged me outside to help him wash the car, anything to get me out of the house really. He said he would not let me spiral again, he wouldn't leave me to my own devices, if he had to drag me kicking and screaming he would.
I knew I wasn't well, at least I could recognise that to a certain extent. I had struggled on and off for around 8 months and I needed real help. My blood tests started the following week and I saw a doctor as well. I told them I thought I was depressed and they started me on 50mg sertraline. At the time I was nervous that they wouldn't believe me almost. Like, why would someone realised they are depressed? I wished the doctors could have diagnosed me themselves when I was really low, maybe things could have been different. Either way, I started the tablets and had a blood test each week to monitor my hormones as well as other general molecules and compounds such as glucose and thyroid function.
I was still waiting for my new contract for my new job, nothing in the NHS is fast but this was taking a very long time. I had enquirer a few times but was told the case was with recruitment and that's where things are normally held up. I was eager to hand my notice in and start a fresh chapter. I find if I start doing something proactive such as having blood tests done or starting medication my mood instantly lifts. Even if these things don't come to anything there is a hope, and that's what my mind focuses on. My cycle leading to the blood tests was shorter than my previous one and although it was still out of the healthy normal range it gave me hope that my body was wanting to get back to normal.
Then another surprise hit me, the genetics lab wanted to employ me, I couldn't believe it! I took the job instantly and they sorted everything out really quickly. I felt bad that I had to refuse the other job I was originally offered but genetics really was better for me. I served my notice and prepared to move onto a new chapter in my life.
Thanks for reading everyone. Writing has been a lot easier this weekend, I've had much more of a flow.
Stay strong,
Adele xxx
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