Wowzers what a week it has been, a massive high and a terrifying low. If you follow me on Instagram @our.pale.days you will already know that we have had our third positive pregnancy test! We really weren't expecting anything to come of it, I have had long cycles since our second loss, the last being 47 days, Wednesday would have been day 47 and I'd seen a change in my cervical fluid to thick and creamy rather than dry awaiting my period so I thought why not do a test. My husband and I were both off work on Wednesday so if it was negative (which we fully expected it to be) at least we would be with each other for the day. I used a Tesco cheapie and it came up instantly, I didn't have time to get nervous or shaky. I came back to Rob and showed him the test, I don't think he could believe it either. I felt remarkably calm considering our past, it hadn't sunk in. We went to town and got a digital test with the weeks indicator as well as all the max pregnancy vitamins and did another test, it showed up at 3+ weeks since conception equating to 5+ weeks along in the pregnancy. Using the date of the start of my last period (13th May) I'm apparently 7w1d. We decided to tell our closest friends and family, if this pregnancy goes wrong we would turn to them for support anyway so it didn't make sense for them to be kept in the dark. We spent the rest of the day in a state of blissful shock.
The next day we were back at work, when I arrived I went to the loo and my heart hit the floor. Brown spotting. I rang Rob straight away in tears, he could barely understand what the hell I was saying. I was losing our third baby, the baby we'd only known about for 24 hours. Although I work in a hospital I didn't know what to do, I'd had no pain or any indication anything was wrong but I'd had spotting with Bean and that was the beginning of the end. Rob told me to be strong, whatever happens we'd get through it so I cleaned my face and went into the lab. My colleague greeted me and I immediately broke down, he was amazing, he ran into the office and told our Team Lead that he couldn't go into detail but he had to take me to A&E and off we went. In the end we went to the early pregnancy unit in the hospital and they were really nice although it was a bit awkward for them when they realised my (gay) colleague wasn't the baby's father! They tested my urine for blood of which there was none but refused to give me a scan saying it could create more of a risk to the baby and potentially wouldn't give many answers as I'm not far along enough for a heartbeat yet. I explained my past and they understood my concerns then the nurse's tongue slipped she said "you are concerned about this loss." THIS loss? It was only said in passing but I know what she said. This loss. She was implying I had lost or was going to lose this baby even though no scans had been done. I've had no spotting since that one time on that Thursday morning but the nurse's words still rattle around in my head. I wish I'd asked her about it, caught her out on it but I didn't.
Since that scare we have come to the acceptance that this pregnancy will either be ok or not ok, and it's fate has already been sealed. So much happens in those first few weeks when it's too early to test that are so fundamental to the baby's development that there's not much the parents can actually do. Because of our past we are entitled to an earlier scan at 9-11 weeks and more scans and tests throughout the pregnancy so the earliest we can scan is in two weeks time. We can only wait and see.
Our news may be upsetting and triggering for some readers and I'm sorry if it upsets you, it's ok to be upset. Only recently I unfollowed multiple people on my feed because they were pregnant, they were simply in another stage of their life and it was too painful for me. However, this blog is Bean and Passenger's legacy and I want to keep it that way and although I will update you on this pregnancy's progress it will not be my main focus. So as normal I am going to carry on telling our stories.
In my last post I was just about to start my new job in the genetics department in the hospital. I started in early September 2016 and my life was turned around, I had no idea how much my old job was impacting on my mental wellbeing and things immediately started picking up I started feeling like I had a purpose again. I felt I was achieving something on a day to day basis, I picked up running again and that did no end of good to my mood. Yes I was on antidepressants by this point but I don't believe they were the soul reason for my change in thought processes. After so many months of feeling just so low and dark and gone I felt myself coming back, or the person I could be after our loss was emerging. What was more was that Rob could see a change in me as well, because let's face it, he hadn't had a wife for most of our marriage. Things were heading in the right direction, apart from my bloody cycles! They were still so freaking long! I had blood test after blood test after blood test, eventually it showed I WAS ovulating just a lot later than normal. I had so many bloods the nurse recognised me as soon as I came through the door. After the tests were done the Doctor just said nothing was actually wrong with me and the stress of the loss was the reason for my crazy cycles. I always thought stress was a cop-out term for doctors to use when they couldn't figure out the real cause and it took me a long long time to accept that stress really can have a devastating effect on the human body especially hormones.
I settled into my new job perfectly, the people around me were fantastic and I connected with them straight away. Me and Rob were really starting to go back to the team we were before rather than him carrying me constantly. Then the time came, we were ready to try again, like really try. Although we'd never really gone back to protection during the 9-10months of our grief I was either too scared or too depressed to be intimate very often. But now I felt like I'd really turned a corner, so it was on let's get that babydancin'! I'm pretty sure Rob was happy about the decision too 😉.
Christmas was fast approaching and I went to my work's Do, unfortunately I'd turned up late and had to sit with the clinical scientists and directors, pretty scary stuff for a newbie! However, there was a little bit of gossip doing the rounds so when I got a chance I snuck over to the table with my friends on and tantalised them with the gossip. Before I could even tell them a colleague (the one who helped me on Thursday in fact) jumped in and said "you're pregnant!?". I was clearly drinking that night and I laughed it off saying no I wasn't while in my mind I was saying I wish I wish! The rest of the night was cool (turns out everyone knew my amazing gossip anyway!) and things went on as normal. I had been tracking my cycles since forever, once you know what to look for you can't help but see the signs and I'd definitely had fertile cervical fluid at at day 15, this was a big deal, ovulating at that time of the month would lead to a 30 day cycle - back to normal! Even though we were trying regularly I wasn't overly bothered about becoming pregnant straight away, we'd just decided to actively start trying again but I was more concerned about my cycles getting back to normal and seeing fertile cf at this point was really exciting!
The Christmas break came around and as the final Friday afternoon wore on at work I felt some awful indigestion pains and terrible bloating, I was doubled over and struggled to walk. I gritted my teeth through the afternoon not getting a lot done, I mentioned the pain to my friend at work and also mentioned that I would be due on in the next couple of days, she said to consider the other possibility, my hope flared but I kept myself in check, maybe I could take a test tomorrow then at least I would know? I shuffled my way to Rob's work in increasing pain and discomfort, normally I go up to his office and say hi to his work mates but I just couldn't that day. I sat in the car and cried so hard, I didn't know where it was coming from! Yes I was in pain and it was pretty bad pain but that much crying?! What was I doing?! Rob came down to a very red eyed and snotty nosed wife and I blubbed all the way home.
The next morning I decided to test, especially after my episode in the car the night before. My hand shook as I held the absorbent tip in the cup of pee and counted. I became cold and shaky as I held the stick waiting for the result. Rob held me as the time ticked by and the result became clear - positive, pregnant. I was pregnant again, what a wonderful and terrifying early Christmas present.
Thanks for reading and being on this journey with me. I wanted to end this post with a quote that got me and Rob through this week, it's from a book I'm reading at the moment called Mistborn by Brandon Sanderson.
"They claimed that each person was born with a certain amount of ill luck. And so, when an unfortunate event happened, they thought themselves blessed - thereafter, their lives could only get better."
Stay strong angel mammas and papas xxx
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