Hey everyone, apologies for the delay in writing another post, last weekend was pretty busy! Saturday night we went out for a friend's birthday then got up at 3am for the Mayweather/McGregor fight (less said about that the better!). On Sunday we had a big family picnic with the in-laws which was great, even great-grandparents were there to share in the fun.
The previous week we had off work to do more home improvements and my mum and dad came down to visit, we went to the local beer festival (I was obviously not drinking, but did a lot of sniffing of the beers and ciders!) It was Wednesday 23rd August, Passenger's due date. I think I would have been more upset if we hadn't had anything planned already but it was natural to think of what if situations. In another life I might have been waddling around in the heat, grouchy and tired pleading with her to come out and meet everyone. In another she might have already been born, Rob and I would have been tackling sleepless nights and pooey nappies. I would be battling breast-feeding and asking my mum for advice. In another world Passenger could have been a boy, after all, we never got to find out. It was a very thoughtful day for me and when I saw a tiny rainbow clinging to a cloud as we sat relaxing at the festival I knew Passenger was there, and I smiled up at her and Bean.
We are very much nearing the end of Passenger's initial story, its crazy to think that my posts talking about the past and present have almost caught up with each other. I said in my first post that the story is unfinished and that is still the case, just because Bean and Passenger are not here doesn't mean that their stories have ended. They are always in my heart and I will never stop thinking about what could have been. Certain dates will always weigh heavily on me and Rob but we are grateful for how much of an impact two little lives can have on us. They have both changed us and we have evolved into better people and a better couple because of the love we have for Bean and Passenger. Their little brother or sister growing inside me right now will always know who their siblings are as soon as they can understand.
I felt I had recovered enough after 2 and a half weeks sick leave, the bleeding had lightened considerably like that at the end of a period and the pain I had felt was much more manageable. I did end up ringing the emergency gynae unit about the pain and I had my urine tested for any infections but they came back negative.
I had been booked in for a follow up appointment with the consultant that had performed the surgery. I had no idea what to expect, I hadn't been offered this after the same surgeon had removed Bean's gestational sac. Again I armed myself with questions, the most important being could myself and Rob get some sort of genetic testing, and could I have my MTHFR gene tested for abnormalities. I had done lots of googling and reading of scientific articles on the causes of anencephaly and the two main things that seemed to come up were genetic/chromosomal abnormalities and low folic acid. After looking deeper into the folic acid research I found the MTHFR gene has a main role in converting the synthetic folic acid found in prenatal vitamins into its natural state so the tiny foetus can use it to close the neural tube. According to research papers there are loads of different mutations that can occur in this gene which can subsequently affect the enzymatic potential of the MTHFR protein. There are a couple of mutations that cause real problems with pregnancy and other aspects of life so I was confident I didn't have those mutations but I wanted to be investigated.
I turned up to my appointment with my list of questions alone, Rob was working. Again I didn't know what to expect from this appointment and to be honest I came away from it bitterly disappointed. I asked about genetic testing and the consultant outright refused, I instantly thought well why the hell have you asked me back here?! She wouldn't grant me any biochemical tests to see if I was able to metabolise folic acid properly either. I was gutted, I didn't know what to say, I had pinned my hopes on getting these tests done and I broke down. I came away from the consultation with other plans in place, although no tests would be done the consultant said we could have early and extra scans when or if we got pregnant again. The other main thing that I took away was that I'd have to take 5mg folic acid for every pregnancy from then on. I was even advised to take the high folic acid for the rest of my reproductive life in case I fell pregnant without planning to.
I was shocked by the whole experience and extremely upset as I made my way home. I bawled on the phone to Rob, it wasn't fair I didn't know what else I could do apart from pay for private tests and even then I wouldn't know where to start. I got in touch with my grief counsellor and booked myself in straight away and tried to gather myself together.
I'm going to leave it there today Angel Mamas and Papas, I'm still suffering from a nasty cold and my sinuses are getting very painful!
Stay strong, I'll see you next week xxx
No comments:
Post a Comment