Apologies for being a little quiet the last couple of weeks! We have been very busy particularly last weekend when it was Rob's Grandma's 80th surprise birthday meal and continuing with work on our house. It's crazy to think we have a real deadline now, we must get the house baby-ready, we are almost half way through this pregnancy and time is slipping away faster and faster with each passing week.
The last fortnight has been a little stressful, a little emotional, but very happy overall. Stressful because of work, I work in an NHS lab and have had to stop doing some of my duties due to some harmful chemicals. I expected to be trained in other procedures that are deemed as safe so I am not a burden but that turns out not to be the case. It's angered me that I've effectively been written off but I don't want to get into too much detail about work on here.
Emotional because the further on we get in this pregnancy the more I miss our angel babies and I wonder what should or could have been. The last few apples from Bean's tree fell this weekend and I went outside to see if they were edible, unfortunately the creepy crawlies had already got to them. I stood there gazing at the memorials of our two babies and their losses hit me all over again, I don't think I will ever be able to process Bean's and Passenger's passing and thinking about it now that completely makes sense in the same way that you would never "get over" any traumatic loss. It's simply too painful and mind-blowing for brains to understand the event and that's what changes you as a person afterwards. It hit me all over again that we had buried Passenger under one of those apple trees, once that box of emotion was opened I fell on my knees by her tree and I bowed my head in grief. I stroked the leaves and stem of the tree to feel close to her. I still cannot believe we had to say goodbye to her. I shed a few tears quietly on my own while I sat in the morning sun by our memorial trees, afterwards it renewed how lucky I feel for being pregnant again.
Every week is still anxious but I have to remind myself that this is a different baby, a different pregnancy. I know many people who are pregnant, in fact I personally know of 7 babies due within the next 7 months. The difference between me and my pregnant friends is very noticeable, I wish I could be happy-go-lucky like my friend at work, excitement outweighing the nerves completely but my innocence has been totally destroyed. It doesn't mean however, that I'm not enjoying it, I'm enjoying it immensely! But any risk seems to be blown up in my brain where she is much more relaxed. This is why I love my Instagram account, the lovely ladies on there who are pregnant after loss totally understand my fears and concerns no matter how outlandish and I understand theirs as well. If I didn't have that support system I know I would be much more stressed and ringing my midwife every few days!
This post has been a little wishy washy and I'm sorry for that, this really was just putting my thoughts down of how I was feeling rather than telling you about what's been happening. I wanted to get Rob's view on Passenger but haven't had the time so I hope to get that recorded for next weekend. I'm thinking of keeping a little emotions diary just to document the rollercoaster that is pregnancy after loss.
See you soon Angel Mamas and Papas xxx
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