Celebrating Milestones

Hey everyone I hope this post finds you well at the end of babyloss awareness week. I will be lighting two candles at 7pm for Bean and Passenger as part of the Wave of Light event. 

My week started off in a low mood, a pregnant colleague ran a local half marathon last weekend - she is 16 weeks. She claimed her time was very slow but still managed to complete it in my best ever half marathon time. It annoyed me, she was able to be pregnant and stay active. Whereas I have been banned by my husband and my mum. There's no medical reasoning behind it. Just because. I didn't run when I had Bean, I was way too exhausted but I did continue with Passenger. Surely that shows that no matter whether you continue to exercise the way you did before or decide to stop. It doesn't have any real impact on the outcome of the pregnancy.

I guess I'm just frustrated and jealous. My colleague has never suffered babyloss directly. She has never suffered secondary infertility, she fell pregnant and it was a surprise to her and her husband. I feel like she just doesn't have the same concern as I do, and that's ok but it's still frustrating to me.

I have tried to get back into crosstraining and yoga but they just don't give me the same pleasure and mind cleansing as running did. I'm trying to use this frustration as a tool for post-partum, a way of giving myself motivation to get back to where I was in terms of running.

Don't get me wrong I'd give up everything for this pregnancy, I would never intentionally put it at risk. It just frustrates me that others can sail through with no worries. 

But that is the price of pregnancy after loss. The constant fear lurking in the back of your mind. Almost stifling every joyous moment so as not to jinx it. Not daring to say certain things like names out loud in case this precious life is ripped from you again. My husband even didn't like us receiving any gifts before our 20 week scan in case something was jinxed.

I wish we didn't have these demons but they will be with us forever. And I'm starting to understand that most other people - no matter how close to us will not understand us feeling this way. The sooner I accept this misunderstanding from others who haven't experienced loss the better.

Luckily my mood lifted later in the week and I stopped sulking and I got back to appreciating that every pregnancy is different. I feel my bump has grown a lot this week, my skin feels tight and I'm starting to struggle to put on socks and shoes. I sent a bump pic to my mum and she said that I'd grown a lot.

I asked if she had any bump pics from when she was pregnant but she couldn't find any. It made me realise how easy it is now to document and record everything. She of course had pictures taken hours after giving birth and beyond, she was so slim after giving birth to my older brother! I wonder if I will take after her.

Earlier in the week I was feeling down but now I am rejoicing in the sheer elation and dreamy happiness pregnancy after loss brings. Words do not explain how I feel about getting this far in a pregnancy. It's obvious that any mother and father have unconditional love for their child, but Angel Mamas and Papas feel something more. They feel grateful and utterly in a state of dream-like shock even through the horrible of painful symptoms. I have never heard an Angel-Mama complain about morning sickness!

I was trying to explain to my sister-in-law how happy I was to be pregnant and she said it shows, and it will continue to show for the rest of my life. Bean and Passenger have made me the person I am today. It is solidified by Rob becoming increasingly vocal about our baby girl. He says "I love you both" instead of just "I love you" and it makes me melt inside. It gives me confidence when he feels confident enough to say things like that. I know now that he has started to relax and he is starting to believe The Pie will be our take-home baby.

At the weekend we started looking at travel systems. Admittedly we only went to one shop but the girl in there was extremely knowledgable. It's pretty mind boggling looking at them all! The research is definitely not over! I'm looking forward to seeing proper 3in1 travel systems as there wasn't any available in John Lewis.

We liked the iCandy Orange - really light steering, lots of storage space and folded up really small. I also liked the Bugaboo Cameleon which looked really nice and had lots of alternative travelling options. The problem with both, however, was value for money. Car seats are not included in either system and the Bugaboo is almost a thousand pounds! So I am looking forward to seeing other systems.

We also hit another exciting milestone last night, we saw Baby Girl kicking! It was truly amazing to see her bopping about in my belly. Some of the kicks I was able to feel under my palm as well which was magical. Rob managed to see a couple of movements as well and I was so pleased we could share that experience together. It is so reassuring that she is getting stronger with each passing week and the movements also mean her brain and nervous system are developing normally. Yesterday was such a fantastic day, I enjoyed ever minute of it. Although walking around town for 6 hours in heels was a mistake I will never make again!

Last night I had a weird dream where our little girl was struggling to breast feed. She was so tiny and I was trying to give her what she needed. I have a bit of a fear that I won't be able to breast feed. I have one inverted nipple and my other nipple is flat no matter my mood or the weather. I keep telling myself that it's not the be all and end all and as long as our baby is fed and that's all that matters but there is so much pressure on mothers and the slogan "Breast is Best" is always at the back of my mind. If I cannot breast feed I would love to be able to pump and I'm just hoping that Baby Girl will take to whatever I can give her.

Anyway, back to the dream. She was finding the nipple with no problems but nothing else seemed to happen. Then strangely enough she turns her little face towards me and speaks to me saying I need to angle my nipple for the let down reflex. It was pretty weird. I had a dream about a month ago where she talked to me like a teenager and we didn't know the gender at that point. 

At another point in this second dream she projectile vomited all over me and a nearby window. Not that unusual but it turned out that a load of kids had been feeding my newborn white bread! Like, what the hell is going on in my mind?!

The joy of pregnancy dreams!

The last bit of news I need to share from the week is that I've been selected for interview for a job in my current department. It's a fairly similar job to what I do now as it's still in the lab but there is a significant pay rise involved. I'm grateful I have been given the opportunity to give it a shot but I do not expect to have it offered to me. If I wasn't pregnant I would be more confident as I am sure I could do the job very well. But with me leaving in February for a year and three other internal candidates competing for the role I feel my chances are slim. However, I will not go into the interview with a defeatist attitude! I will give it my all and show that I am still very much committed to the department. I will let you know next week hopefully. 

So that has been my week, it's had its little low at the start but has ended on such a huge high from seeing our little girl kick. Such a wonderful experience.

Stay strong Angel Mamas and Papas xx

Our 20 week scan

Hey all! I'm sorry I've been a little quiet again, I'll be honest, I've found it hard to transition to a more diary-like blog rather than talking about the past. I have to keep telling myself that living in the now does not mean that Bean and Passenger are forgotten. Or that it means their stories are finished.

As we've moved into the month of October and Baby-Loss Awareness Week starting tomorrow, I've been naturally thinking more and more about Bean and Passenger. Particularly how Rob managed to help me through those horribly dark times. I still don't know where he found the strength to live two lives for us and grieve himself. A part of me still cannot accept that we have suffered two losses, I guess that could be the case for the rest of my life.

While part of my week has been remembering and grieving, the other part was full of joy and excitement (as well as fear and anxiety). Our 20 week scan was on Monday and again one half of my brain prepared myself for a horrendous fall, after all it is the anomaly scan, they are looking for abnormalities, they are looking for anything that is wrong. I took deep breaths as we waited outside the scanning rooms. A little later than scheduled a lady opened a door and indicated she would be a few minutes then she would call us in, it was none other than the young sonographer that had misdiagnosed Passenger's anencephaly at 10+5weeks. My heart raced, what if she missed something again? She looked too young to be experienced enough. My faith was slipping away. Even the optimistic side of my brain which had been excited started to fade away. 

Rob looked at me and said he'd recognised her, he saw the fear in my eyes. But again as he always does he brought me back to the moment. He said we would ask as many questions as we could think of. We wouldn't leave until we were satisfied and knew everything. We were beckoned inside.

I stood, sucking in another long, deep breath.

Moving into that room felt a little like slow motion, I almost floated along the ground. I made it to the bed and she put the ultrasound device onto my belly. We were greeted by our baby on the screen, I was able to let out a little sigh of relief. 

She proceeded to move along the baby's body, we managed to see it face on, the lips and nose were an utter joy to behold. Perfectly formed. The eye sockets, brain, spine again all beautiful. The heart, I held my breath again. Baby decided to wriggle a lot at this point so the sonographer couldn't study it properly, I hoped and hoped that the baby would stay still just for a minute so she could do her job. I was worried she would assume everything would be ok and move onto the next part of the scan. Luckily it calmed down so she could look at the chambers of the heart, all working well together. Then she looked at the blood flow and said everything was completely fine. My anxiety slipped away into a smaller and smaller ball to the back of my mind. 

Then the question, are we interested in the sex? Yes please! My confidence continued to slowly and surely rise, my heart thumped at the prospect of finding out whether I had a little girl or little boy growing inside me. I'd always had a girl feeling with this pregnancy since the 12 week scan, I felt the baby just had a girly face. But recently I had been getting boy vibes too! Of course we had no preference, a healthy baby is all we have ever wanted but it was always nice to know for future planning.

She positioned the picture of the baby to an under the bottom view, and I thought to myself it is a boy! She proceeded to tell us that the part which I thought was a willy was in fact, a leg. I'm so glad I didn't humiliate myself by blurting that out! She then pointed to where the genitals were and came to the conclusion that she could not see a willy or testes and therefore, we were carrying a girl.

My heart danced, just being told something by a professional made everything even more real. We don't know what sex Bean and Passenger were but being told that our Pie was a girl was massive. I went into a dream-like state as she moved down to the kegs and the feet and managed to capture a gorgeous footprint on the screen for us to take home. I fell in love with that footprint.

She continued down to check the placenta and my cervix and that's when things started to become pear-shaped. The sonographer was silent for a few moments and took a few pictures. The silence snapped me back into the fact this was an anomaly scan, they were looking for things that were wrong. Something was wrong.

We were told that my cervix looked "odd" and she wanted a second opinion from a colleague. She showed us the picture, where a smooth cervix muscle should have been mine was very much contorted and lumpy. It's very hard to describe my feelings at that point, I had just been told I was carrying a little girl and she was perfectly healthy only to be thrown back down to earth with this news a minute or so later. I was caught between elation and panic. 

She left the room to consult her colleague. I couldn't help but feel it was Passenger's dating scan all over again, the oddity followed by the second opinion, ending with devastation and pain. I turned to Rob, I can only remember him saying that we will continue to ask questions until we understand the situation. 

A short time later the lady returned, she suggested I go for a walk for a little while and come back to see if anything had changed. Before we left I mentioned I had been occasionally feeling pain on my left side during urination so she asked me to produce a sample for the nurse to test for signs of infection. I gave her the bottle to pass on and left to have a walk. 

As we strolled along I became like Jekyll and Hyde, one minute I was over the moon with carrying a girl and the next I would be in a panic as to what me odd cervix meant. Rob had asked a few more questions while I was producing the urine sample, the sonographer had assured him that the baby was well and healthy. And my cervix might have been in the middle of a contraction while the scan was taking place. A walk and a wee might help it to relax and go into its natural position again.

During my moments of anxious panic my mind went back to when I was spotting at the beginning of the pregnancy, the EPU had suggested I get my cervix checked by my GP. But when I went to see the GP she had refused to examine me as I was already pregnant and she didn't want to take the risk. My blood boiled, what if my odd cervix could have been seen earlier? What if that GP who refused care to a patient had missed a diagnosis? But then again why had nothing been seen on our 12 or 16 week scans? My head whizzed around with these questions.

We found ourselves back in the waiting room 15 minutes or so later and were ushered back in quickly. I assumed the position on the bed and she checked again, there is was, a smooth cervix in a normal position. It had been contracting while the previous scan was taking place. No need to panic.

Looking back now, of course it's no harm done and I'm so glad the sonographer didn't let us go home without investigating further. But really?! Why can't things be simple for once!? All I can do is carry on feeling amazed and lucky we are carrying a gorgeous baby girl. Today I have felt the strongest and most frequent kicks so far and I get so excited after every single one. We are getting used to saying "she" instead of "it" and we have settled on a name which we both absolutely love. 

Stay strong Angel Mamas and Papas xxx

A Few Thoughts From The Last Two Weeks

Apologies for being a little quiet the last couple of weeks! We have been very busy particularly last weekend when it was Rob's Grandma's 80th surprise birthday meal and continuing with work on our house. It's crazy to think we have a real deadline now, we must get the house baby-ready, we are almost half way through this pregnancy and time is slipping away faster and faster with each passing week.

The last fortnight has been a little stressful, a little emotional, but very happy overall. Stressful because of work, I work in an NHS lab and have had to stop doing some of my duties due to some harmful chemicals. I expected to be trained in other procedures that are deemed as safe so I am not a burden but that turns out not to be the case. It's angered me that I've effectively been written off but I don't want to get into too much detail about work on here.

Emotional because the further on we get in this pregnancy the more I miss our angel babies and I wonder what should or could have been. The last few apples from Bean's tree fell this weekend and I went outside to see if they were edible, unfortunately the creepy crawlies had already got to them. I stood there gazing at the memorials of our two babies and their losses hit me all over again, I don't think I will ever be able to process Bean's and Passenger's passing and thinking about it now that completely makes sense in the same way that you would never "get over" any traumatic loss. It's simply too painful and mind-blowing for brains to understand the event and that's what changes you as a person afterwards. It hit me all over again that we had buried Passenger under one of those apple trees, once that box of emotion was opened I fell on my knees by her tree and I bowed my head in grief. I stroked the leaves and stem of the tree to feel close to her. I still cannot believe we had to say goodbye to her. I shed a few tears quietly on my own while I sat in the morning sun by our memorial trees, afterwards it renewed how lucky I feel for being pregnant again. 

Every week is still anxious but I have to remind myself that this is a different baby, a different pregnancy. I know many people who are pregnant, in fact I personally know of 7 babies due within the next 7 months. The difference between me and my pregnant friends is very noticeable, I wish I could be happy-go-lucky like my friend at work, excitement outweighing the nerves completely but my innocence has been totally destroyed. It doesn't mean however, that I'm not enjoying it, I'm enjoying it immensely! But any risk seems to be blown up in my brain where she is much more relaxed. This is why I love my Instagram account, the lovely ladies on there who are pregnant after loss totally understand my fears and concerns no matter how outlandish and I understand theirs as well. If I didn't have that support system I know I would be much more stressed and ringing my midwife every few days!

This post has been a little wishy washy and I'm sorry for that, this really was just putting my thoughts down of how I was feeling rather than telling you about what's been happening. I wanted to get Rob's view on Passenger but haven't had the time so I hope to get that recorded for next weekend. I'm thinking of keeping a little emotions diary just to document the rollercoaster that is pregnancy after loss.

See you soon Angel Mamas and Papas xxx

We Come Full Circle

Hey everyone, I hope this week has been kind to you all. We had a 16 week scan to put our minds at ease, we were particularly keen to have a second opinion regarding our little Pie's head as Passenger's anencephaly wasn't spotted until the second scan. The consultant was over half an hour late and I got myself all worked up an anxious. I ended up feeling so sick and worried about what the consultant would see. Luckily, all went well though, there was no need to worry or get stressed out. The head was fully formed just as it had been on the dating scan and we heard the heartbeat again which was lovely and strong. As my anxiety eased I got cheeky and asked if it was possible to see whether I was carrying a girl or a boy but the consultant dismissed me straight away saying it was too early. Although I had seen on my Instagram other Mamas booking 16 week scans to specifically see the sex we weren't too bothered as the whole purpose of this check up was to make sure the baby's head was how it should be. Afterwards to compared the scan pictures to the dating scan and saw our baby had doubled in size in 4 weeks. We are thrilled! And what is more is that I've been feeling the first flutters and pops of movement increasing throughout this week, sometimes up to 4-5 times a day. It's been so wonderful feeling a baby move for the first time and really represents a huge milestone for me. Now we've had this scan Rob and I both feel more at ease but the consultant did make a comment that me getting stressed or nervous isn't good for me or the baby so I need to work hard to be more positive and less anxious. It's incredibly difficult but these little flutters are reminding me that everything is ok and it's time to enjoy this pregnancy. 

As I mentioned in my previous post, I am very close to coming full circle with my stories, I plan to share Rob's experience then I am most likely to follow my current story with our Rainbow pregnancy. I understand this may be triggering to some people but it will be coming from a person who has been in a position similar to your own. Angel Mamas do not have normal pregnancies, they are full of worry, analysing every symptom, ache and pain and I hope they will stick with me during the next part of my journey.

Following my post-op consultation appointment I saw my counsellor and poured my heart out. I was back staring into the abyss of depression once again, however, this time I wouldn't let it take me. Unlike before, I had some consciousness left in me, most of that presented itself as anger. I was so fucking angry. How could I or anyone else be treated in such a way? I was told no testing would be done until I had lost three babies, I had become a statistic, Bean and Passenger had become mere numbers. I relayed my anger to my counsellor and she gave me a few suggestions I could try. First was to contact my GP just to see if they could refer me and Rob for genetic testing. Second was to read a pamphlet from the charity ARC (Antenatal Results and Choices) and contact them to ask what I could do next after being denied testing. Third was to read scientific papers like I had done throughout both of our losses and contact the scientists involved to see if they could give me some advice. I found this session one of the most important and useful, I needed instruction and guidance and that's exactly what my counsellor offered to me. I left the session determined and with a sense of purpose, I have learned that as long as I have a goal to work towards, my psychological health benefits.

The next day I rang my doctors surgery and requested a phone appointment, later that day I received the call. I had been preparing myself for a rejection and had pumped myself up ready to stand my ground! Amazingly I didn't have to, Dr Patel was so lovely on the phone I cried, he suggested chromosomal testing and referred me and Rob to the genetics counselling department in the hospital where I work. I got off the phone and felt a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, granted it wasn't guaranteed that we would get the testing, it would depend on the genetic counselling appointment but we had managed to jump over one hurdle.

I have covered the results of our genetic testing in a previous post, so that brings me full circle. Next week I'm hoping to bring you Robs point of view of losing Passenger.

Thanks for staying with me Angel Mamas and Papas xxx 

The Consultation Appointment

Hey everyone, apologies for the delay in writing another post, last weekend was pretty busy! Saturday night we went out for a friend's birthday then got up at 3am for the Mayweather/McGregor fight (less said about that the better!). On Sunday we had a big family picnic with the in-laws which was great, even great-grandparents were there to share in the fun. 

The previous week we had off work to do more home improvements and my mum and dad came down to visit, we went to the local beer festival (I was obviously not drinking, but did a lot of sniffing of the beers and ciders!) It was Wednesday 23rd August, Passenger's due date. I think I would have been more upset if we hadn't had anything planned already but it was natural to think of what if situations. In another life I might have been waddling around in the heat, grouchy and tired pleading with her to come out and meet everyone. In another she might have already been born, Rob and I would have been tackling sleepless nights and pooey nappies. I would be battling breast-feeding and asking my mum for advice. In another world Passenger could have been a boy, after all, we never got to find out. It was a very thoughtful day for me and when I saw a tiny rainbow clinging to a cloud as we sat relaxing at the festival I knew Passenger was there, and I smiled up at her and Bean.

We are very much nearing the end of Passenger's initial story, its crazy to think that my posts talking about the past and present have almost caught up with each other. I said in my first post that the story is unfinished and that is still the case, just because Bean and Passenger are not here doesn't mean that their stories have ended. They are always in my heart and I will never stop thinking about what could have been. Certain dates will always weigh heavily on me and Rob but we are grateful for how much of an impact two little lives can have on us. They have both changed us and we have evolved into better people and a better couple because of the love we have for Bean and Passenger. Their little brother or sister growing inside me right now will always know who their siblings are as soon as they can understand.

I felt I had recovered enough after 2 and a half weeks sick leave, the bleeding had lightened considerably like that at the end of a period and the pain I had felt was much more manageable. I did end up ringing the emergency gynae unit about the pain and I had my urine tested for any infections but they came back negative.

I had been booked in for a follow up appointment with the consultant that had performed the surgery. I had no idea what to expect, I hadn't been offered this after the same surgeon had removed Bean's gestational sac. Again I armed myself with questions, the most important being could myself and Rob get some sort of genetic testing, and could I have my MTHFR gene tested for abnormalities. I had done lots of googling and reading of scientific articles on the causes of anencephaly and the two main things that seemed to come up were genetic/chromosomal abnormalities and low folic acid. After looking deeper into the folic acid research I found the MTHFR gene has a main role in converting the synthetic folic acid found in prenatal vitamins into its natural state so the tiny foetus can use it to close the neural tube. According to research papers there are loads of different mutations that can occur in this gene which can subsequently affect the enzymatic potential of the MTHFR protein. There are a couple of mutations that cause real problems with pregnancy and other aspects of life so I was confident I didn't have those mutations but I wanted to be investigated.

I turned up to my appointment with my list of questions alone, Rob was working. Again I didn't know what to expect from this appointment and to be honest I came away from it bitterly disappointed. I asked about genetic testing and the consultant outright refused, I instantly thought well why the hell have you asked me back here?! She wouldn't grant me any biochemical tests to see if I was able to metabolise folic acid properly either. I was gutted, I didn't know what to say, I had pinned my hopes on getting these tests done and I broke down. I came away from the consultation with other plans in place, although no tests would be done the consultant said we could have early and extra scans when or if we got pregnant again. The other main thing that I took away was that I'd have to take 5mg folic acid for every pregnancy from then on. I was even advised to take the high folic acid for the rest of my reproductive life in case I fell pregnant without planning to. 

I was shocked by the whole experience and extremely upset as I made my way home. I bawled on the phone to Rob, it wasn't fair I didn't know what else I could do apart from pay for private tests and even then I wouldn't know where to start. I got in touch with my grief counsellor and booked myself in straight away and tried to gather myself together. 

I'm going to leave it there today Angel Mamas and Papas, I'm still suffering from a nasty cold and my sinuses are getting very painful!

Stay strong, I'll see you next week xxx

Recovery

Hey everybody! I hope the last week has been kind to you. We got our Downs, Edwards and Pataus screening results through for The Pie and we are very pleased to know that all of the tests came back as low risk. The relief that surged through my body was amazing as I read the letter. It gave me the confidence to announce our pregnancy at my work and again this was a huge relief to get it out there. I've found myself talking more about Bean and Passenger to girls at work who didn't know what had happened. I think it's been hard for people to realise what I have been through as they've only seen a bubbly work colleague. It just shows that you have no real idea what others are dealing with and going through, this is the reason why we won't be doing a Facebook announcement, the amount I have seen while in the stinging throes of grief is too much to bear and I do not want to be the cause of any upset for others.

On Thursday I went to see a consultant about our scan, we were recommended to see him because of our history of anencephaly. First of all we were late for the appointment so I was already stressed out. Rob ended up waiting in the drop off parking area and I ran into the waiting room. I'd forgotten a wee sample as well but luckily I had time to produce one before I was called in. The consultant was lovely, he assured me that the scan looked great for our Pie and kept telling me to be positive. I thought I was being a lot more positive than I had been a week ago so I don't know what he would have done if he'd seen me back then. I asked whether I should continue taking my prescription 5mg folic acid and he advised that I take it throughout the whole of the pregnancy. I then broached the subject of an extra scan at 16 weeks, our genetic counsellor suggested an extra scan at 9-11 weeks and one more at 16 weeks. The consultant said he was happy that anencephaly was not evident from the 12 week scan so we didn't actually NEED a 16 weeks scan. I said I was happy if he was happy then surprisingly he stopped me and said that it didn't matter whether he was happy it mattered that I was happy, he asked me honestly would we like another scan and I said it would be nice for peace of mind. He agreed straight away and even offered to scan me himself. I left the appointment relieved again that I was listened to. It must be very evident that I am a very anxious mum-to-be, and understandably so.

We are now coming to the end of Passengers story, it's quite fitting that her due date will have been 23rd August, this Wednesday coming. It hard not to think what could or should have been but it does make it easier knowing we have a healthy baby growing inside me right now. It also helps to know she is always nearby buried under her apple tree in our garden. I was discussing with Rob what will happen to this blog once Passenger's story concludes, the natural progression will be for it to move onto Bean and Passenger's sibling's story and journey.

My last post covered my surgery to remove Passenger, now I needed to recover again. I had learned a lot since the last time I'd had surgery and I wasn't willing to force myself to do anything that didn't feel right. I immediately took 2 weeks sick leave from work and it's a very good job I did, I bled much more this time round as it was surgery to remove a full pregnancy rather than just the thickened endometrial lining and gestational sac. I expected there to be more blood so it wasn't so much of a surprise to see the pinky red fluid in the toilet every time I went to the loo. The real surprise was the pain, getting up from seated to standing was a struggle and also twisting to get the loo roll was especially painful. I ended up using the codein tablets from my surgery with Bean to ease it which then caused unbelievable constipation!

After the weekend trying to relax and refusing to go back down depression road I marched (in my head, in reality I hobbled) to the doctors surgery and immediately got prescribed 5mg folic acid. We wanted to try again as soon as we could. I was worried my cycles would never return to any sort of normality but taking some sort of step towards controlling my own destiny helped my mental wellbeing.

The rest of the two weeks involved healing, Catfish:The TV Show bingeing, pain, codein, constipation relief, anger and determination. The difference in my mental state was amazing compared to our first loss. I felt like The loss of Passenger was a continuation of our loss of Bean. It is difficult to explain and although our loss of Passenger was still extremely painful in its own way I guess I was hardened by the loss of Bean so perhaps I could take on the pain, guilt and grief better than I had done before. But that doesn't mean it was any less traumatic or upsetting. Rob found the loss of Passenger much harder to bear and ill cover that in another post.

I felt giving myself those two weeks to recover myself as best I could were extremely valuable. I wasn't going to make the same mistake by rushing back into work when my mind or body wasn't ready and that's the best decision I've ever made during this terrible time. Whenever I have talked to women who have just been through miscarriage that is the one piece of advice I always try to give them. Give yourself time to heal, work can wait, you come first and you have to look after yourself.

Stay strong Angel Mamas and Papas xxx

Surgery, again

Hey everyone! I'm sorry for not writing last week, I was getting so worked up about having our dating scan that I couldn't delve back to the painful time after we were told about Passenger's anencephaly. However, I feel stronger now and I owe it to Passenger to tell the rest of her story.

We were given the news that Passenger was 'not compatible with life' on the Wednesday, I was then booked in for surgery on the Friday. Naturally I called into work and explained the situation between sobs, they were understanding on a work point of view but really didn't understand the pain and grief that had hit me. 

The next two days drifted by, I was mostly in a state of shock and silent rage. I felt so many other emotions compared to when we lost Bean. I felt enormous guilt, Passenger had a heartbeat, she was wriggling around, she was truly alive. Bean had never had a heartbeat and he was alive but in a slightly different way. Bean was taken away from us, but we were in charge of Passenger's fate to a certain extent. That put a huge strain on myself, was I doing the right thing? We were told we HAD to terminate, I was under the impression I would become ill if we didn't terminate. But then anencephaly is incurable. If she survived the rest of the pregnancy, she wouldn't survive more than a day or two after birth. In a way her fate was already sealed.

Friday dawned, I packed my dressing gown and slippers, had the smallest breakfast known to man and a small cup of water. Once again I was taken into the ward where other heartbroken mothers go, once again I was on my own and I waited to see my consultant. When she eventually came over she ended up sitting on her haunches against the wall as I had so many other questions I needed to ask before going under the anaesthetic. Was there anything I could have done differently to prevent this from happening? I had eaten soft cheese at Christmas without thinking, could that have caused this to happen? Apparently not, no one was to know that this would happen, the neural tube is meant to close within the first four weeks after conception so no matter what I did after this point wouldn't have made a difference. Another huge weight on my mind was whether Passenger could feel pain, this was probably the biggest question and could have convinced me to reconsider surgery. She assured me that babies with anencephaly could not feel pain as they d not developed that part of the brain. That information set me at ease a tiny bit, it's obvious that the last thing I would ever want to do would be to hurt my baby. Will I be scanned after the surgery to ensure all of the pregnancy had been removed? Answer yes although not all surgeons do scan the mother after surgery (while still asleep). Will I bleed more this time round? Possibly, I was further on in pregnancy this time around and had not been through the medical management so I was preparing myself to have terrible bleeding afterwards. Will any sample of Passenger be sent to a cytogenetic department for testing? I was surprised to find out that the answer to this was no, it was 'obvious on the scan' that there was anencephaly found. As a scientist I found this hard to take, I wanted to know all the answers as to why my baby wasn't well and couldn't survive. My other questions were more to do with my cycles and how they had been affected so badly after surgery with Bean, I was wanting to try again straight away but was worried I wouldn't have a normal period again for another year. The answer given was pretty wishy-washy, all depends on the woman etc etc.

The most important thing I needed from the consultant was the confirmation that we would be able to bring Passenger's remains home. I had wanted to bring Bean home but surgery only removed my own tissue and I was heartbroken, we had lost him during medical management. I was assured that all of the paperwork expressing my wishes were in order and the consultant moved on.

I waited for the inevitable medical management tablets to arrive. I tried to read and take my mind of things but I found myself staring at patterns on the curtain surrounding me. I remember being pretty cold and extremely tired. I tried to snooze but it was a stupid fruitless effort. 

After the cervix-softening pills were inserted once again along with the antibiotic I was back to waiting again. I must have been keeping in touch with Rob the whole time but I don't remember anything that was texted. A nurse would sometimes pop her head through the curtain and ask how I was, I would reply with 'very tired' and she would try to get me comfortable to get some sleep. But sleep never came. 

I tried to think positive thoughts in a desperate situation, I came to the conclusion that Mother Nature is a perfectionist, and then I would think Mother Nature is a bitch! It was hard to stay sane during those many hours of waiting. I had been in the hospital for over five hours and still hadn't gone into surgery, I was worried and paranoid that the medical management pills were going to start working too early and I would start bleeding and miscarrying before the surgery had started. The thought of seeing a lime-sized baby as I bled was terrifying. The nurse popped her head through the curtain again and told me it wouldn't be long until I would be going in. I told her ok, and again that I was tired when she asked how I was. 

I was called in at around 2.30, I quickly texted Rob, the ward was pretty empty as I was wheeled through to the anaesthetic room. I remember the anaesthetist saying I was very cold and commented on the blueness of my feet. Then I felt the anaesthetic wash over my body from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head and I was gone.

I awoke swaddled in blankets, could barely move! I looked down and my feet were wrapped in yet more blankets. The nurse said that I had been very cold and I had been kept under for a bit longer to give me some proper rest. I immediately thought how wonderful the nurses were at the hospital (I'm welling up thinking about it!), that information was not medical or to do with Passenger but they had taken note of what I had said about being exhausted and stressed. 

I looked at the clock and saw it was on the hour, however I didn't realised what hour is was. I had gone in at 2.30ish but now it was 4o'clock. Surgery would normally take 20 mins but they had kept me asleep for another hour afterwards. Although this was very thoughtful for me, the nurse hadn't told Rob so he was waiting extremely anxiously in the waiting room. I found that crazy to think they had not told my next of kin, it wouldn't have taken a minute to settle his nerves.

After some much needed food and drink I was allowed to leave the ward and I searched for Rob in the crowd of the waiting room. He had bought me a chocolate bar and a lottery ticket while he waited. I can't imagine what was going through his mind as the minutes ticked by for that hour and a half while I was in surgery. Both sides of the family were beside themselves wondering why I hadn't been brought out of surgery within the expected time frame and he would have had to relay any information he had to them. Especially my anxious mum. 

Again we came home from the hospital without our baby and although I was incredibly numb and upset we felt sure that we wanted to ray again as soon as we could. I couldn't go back to the dark place I had been to after Bean died, I wouldn't allow myself to. Bean had made us stronger and Passenger will make us stronger again.

Stay strong Angel Mamas and Papas xxxx