Hey everyone, I hope you've all had a good week. Mine has been up and down (but what's new there?!) I had another scare at the back end of the week, having developed some sciatica/pelvic girdle pain it became very sharp and radiated into my back. I panicked again and rang the EPU, I tried to keep my cool while leaving my message but as I mentioned Bean and Passenger my voice broke and the voicemail ended very teary. Amazingly the EPU never returned my call. Luckily the pain settled down throughout the rest of the day and I've taken the weekend very easily and had no repeat of the sharp pains but I am deeply disappointed with the EPU.
The last part of Passenger's story left off at the positive pregnancy test, we were terrified as a couple and instantly decided to not tell anyone about the pregnancy as we were worried we had jinxed Bean by telling people. Not even our parents were told and it was so difficult not to talk about symptoms or mention anything to them. I felt more morning sickness with Passenger than with Bean although I was never physically sick I had to time my breakfasts meticulously, always having to eat within an hour of waking up otherwise I'd struggle. Dry cereal is all I could stomach on a morning but I would eat more throughout the day to keep myself topped up. Another important difference was that I had felt no pain like I had done with Bean. I had felt discomfort and "shifting" in my left butt cheek that came and went but none of the pain that had me rolling on the floor with Bean. The other main difference between Bean and Passenger was that I was still able to run with Passenger, I wasn't so drained or exhausted. I found all of these differences a good thing just because the symptoms were different to the unsuccessful pregnancy from the year before. I embraced the differences and although I was anxious about what the outcome of this pregnancy would be I felt positive overall and felt the worst was in the past and Passenger would be our rainbow baby.
Christmas approached and we prepared for my parents to spend the holiday with us for the first time. It was to be the first year my mum wasn't cooking Christmas dinner since forever and I was so excited for her to put her feet up and relax for once. I had fibbed a little and said that I was still on antidepressants and it was advised not to drink alcohol while taking them so they were none the wiser even though I was convinced they knew what was up. Christmas was brilliant, such a contrast to the year before, it was such a happy time and very relaxed. New Year's Eve was a little more tricky, we had arranged to go round our friends and even as I reeled off the tablet excuse I could see that they didn't believe us, but because they are awesome friends they did not press us for anymore information.
Twelve weeks seems such a massive amount of time when you know you can't talk about something. Something that you have wanted your whole adult life, something that was previously taken away from you for no reason. Something that you have cried yourself to sleep over and has dramatically altered you as a person. I don't know how we lasted until the first scan without saying anything. I think my running helped me through the stress and worry, it always helps me unwind and understand my feelings and thoughts. No matter how hard it is for me to get outside and run I know I will feel so much better for it afterwards. It also helped that I was still very much enjoying my job, life was definitely heading in the right direction.
Eventually, after many awkward trips to the pub and not drinking, we had our first scan at the end of January 2017. I had never been so nervous, the waiting always seems so much longer, my heart thumped in my chest as I wondered what they would find. I should have been 12 weeks but what did I know really? Passenger could have been measuring at 6 weeks like Bean, she might not even be there at all.
We finally got called into the scanning room. One part of me was terrified, the other part was quietly optimistic. The silence when the sonographer is searching for the baby is the worst, longest silence ever and I still can't cope with it even now. Then she flicks a switch and Passenger appears on the screen in front of us, she looks like a proper baby not like a little Bean at all. She bounces around the screen and I can't believe I can't feel her already considering how much she is moving. We see her giving us a little thumbs up and we watch in awe. Rob's face is a picture and I have never been so proud of us, we have been through so much and come out the other side stronger. Passenger was the product of all that hard work. And she appreciated everything we had done to bring her here, she would be our rainbow baby and we would tell her of her big brother Bean who was floating above this earth watching over her always.
The sonographer said I was measuring at 10w5d, unfortunately that was too early for the proper dating scan and screening procedures so we were booked in again for a week later. We managed to get a scan picture of Passenger that day.
Immediately after the scan we celebrated with a Pizza Hut (as you do!) and started telling close friends and family the good news. There was no surprise that our friends already knew our news from the way I had been acting the last few weeks around Christmas time. Family were a little more surprised. My parents had no clue and they were thrilled to find out when I FaceTimed them that evening, opening the call with me holding the scan picture in front of the camera.
I will never forget seeing Passenger somersaulting on that screen, Rob said it was happiest moment of his life. The best part was that we would only have to wait another week until we saw Passenger again.
Thanks for reading Angel Mamas and Papas,
Stay strong,
Adele xx
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